The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried
48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men.
This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at
sea. She carried no evaporators (fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27,
1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full
complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She
provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England.

In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and
captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, and though unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, NO rum, NO wine, NO whiskey and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

GO NAVY!

 

The Navy, Army, and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac River. Each team practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile.
Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. They concluded that the primary difference between the two teams was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering. So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. The consultants delivered a three-volume report, and advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Navy won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance, initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.
The Army team, meanwhile, having only recently obtained funding for a boat, is trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.

 

MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM

Subject: MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: __________________________________________
Carter: _________________________________________
Clinton: _________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify

 

Rules of Combat...

USMC
1. Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
3. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weapon and a friend with a big weapon.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
10. Use a weapon that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
11. Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12. In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13. Have a plan.
14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
17. Don't drop your guard.
18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
23. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
24. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
25. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4."

Army
1. See USMC Rules for combat.
2. Add 60 to 90 days.
3. Hope the Marines have already destroyed all meaningful resistance.

Navy
1. Spend three weeks getting somewhere.
2. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
3. Send in the Marines.
4. Drink Coffee.
5. Bring back the Marines.

Air Force
1. Kiss the spouse good-bye.
2. Drive to the flight line.
3. Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back.
4. Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys.
5. Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer.

 

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Naval Air pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left side tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left side tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough." Solution: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Solution: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Aircraft handles funny." Solution: "Aircraft sternly warned to straighten up, fly right, and get serious."

Problem: "Target Radar hums." Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."

Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "Mouse in cockpit." Solution: "Cat installed."

 

Shortround that last bunch was

 

How to Tell You are no Longer in the Military:

1. I call my boss Mike, his boss Larry, and his boss Bob.

2. Kiwi regains its meanings as a flightless bird native to New Zealand.

3. I'm now making full use of both arms for carrying items, and (once realized I don't wear one anymore) save loads of time not looking for my hat.

4. One look at my new paycheck and I now know why they called it the L.E.S.(s).

5. Any time saved not doing PT in the morning is lost trying to figure out what to wear to work.

6. I can again use the "passive" voice in my writing without the grammar police smacking my knuckles.

7. Forget to shave? Just tell 'em you're starting your beard that day! Haircut? Ha!

8. Can walk to the right side of Mike, Larry, and Bob without violating some medieval concept of courtesy.

9. Have finally worked "Airborne", "Hoo-Ah", "Air Assault", and a couple of others out of my daily vocabulary.

10. Business lunches, golfing, and baseball season tickets are
considered an essential part of work.

11. The ability to run long distances quickly and do many push-ups or sit-ups is not confused for intelligence, leadership potential, or degree of motivation.

12. Have determined brown T-shirts and OD Socks go with nothing in the real world.

13. Can fly to New Zealand to see small flightless birds without
having to get permission and a bunch of signatures on a DA Form 31.

14. Can't remember the last time the shoes I wore to work got any mud on them.

15. Office empty at 5:15 PM. Only people left behind are ex-military whose wives couldn't take the shock of seeing their spouses before 7:00PM.

16. No guards at the entrance to my subdivision.

17. All the years of learning great cadences wasted on the civilian world.

18. Discovered jumping out of a perfectly good plane on a business trip is a federal offense.

19. If a cannon goes off at the office at 6:30 AM or 5:00 PM you call 911.

20. No harassment from people with nothing better to do than worry whether my coat is zipped or not.

 

All of those were fantastic. I have 2.5 months left in the Navy so the "How to Tell You are no Longer in the Military" really hit home.

 

Hey wasn't there an old ship like that in the Philippines that we sank so Japan couldn't get there hands on it when they invaded the islands in WW2??

 

Here's a couple of pretty cool videos:


For all to enjoy. Its 5 minutes, so download to your hard drive before watching

And another:

Hi Res version

Low Res Version


Rich

 

Real NCO's:
1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
2. Can remember when there weren't so many wussy soldiers.
3. Have a spine.
4. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.
5. Can see in the dark.
6. Have eyes in the back of their heads.
7. Have actually read the US Constitution.
8. Would rather be on the frontline than behind a desk.
9. Have wet dreams about leading an assault on Baghdad.
10. Still don't trust the Russians.
11. Still hate the French.
12. Don't know how to be politically correct.
13. Don't give a **** about being politically correct.
14. Think that "politically correct" should fall under "sodomy" in the UCMJ.
15. Love deploying to combat because there is less paperwork and more "real" work.
16. Don't like taking orders from a guy who couldn't get a DD 214.
17. Still know how to use a buffer.
18. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M-1 Garand even though they are no longer in the Army inventory.
19. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
20. Know that the Cuban military was too **** stupid to have assassinated Kennedy.
21. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.
22. Don't know how to use a "stress card".
23. Idolize John Wayne.
24. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "Commander".
25. Can remember when ******* weren't a "minority group".
26. Won't brief it if it is too complicated to fit on one page of those little green notebooks.
27. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.
28. Really don't like taking crap from those whom haven't "been there".
29. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
30. Know how to do a daisy chain.
31. Knows that a daisy chain is not a sex act.
32. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked.
33. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
34. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP4.
35. Know that the digital Army is more screwed up than the old one.
36. Think that the neutron bomb would be appropriate for the Bosnia, Iraq and Kosovo scenarios.
37. Don't believe a **** thing the Iraqis say.
38. Don't need a GPS to find themselves.
39. Think of military pilots as guys who wear pajamas to work.
40. Have enough BDU's and long johns in their closet to start a surplus store.
41. Think that MRE's taste good. (with a little hot sauce) Change 1 Cs are better than MREs except Ham & MFs
42. Would like to see what kind of creature "ham and chicken loaf" comes from.
43. Can be found eating and bunking with the troops.
44. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.
45. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.
46. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it, or when you can stand a truck jack up in it.
47. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.
48. Know that cold beer is a great motivator
49. Know that lousy leaders will always say they have lousy soldiers.

 

A small, rural West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

 

#49 , 37 & 25 on the last list!

 

SHORTROUND has too much time on his hands....