My wife was previously married and had a child from this marriage. We have been together for 10 years and married for 6 yrs. She recently told me that her ex propositioned her a week before we got married. he said he would build her a house and everything if she dumped me and took him back. (He has big money)
He also continually called her back then constantly ( disguising these calls as being about their 5 yr. old son) . She recently admitted to me that he was trying to get her back then also. No big deal really but I noticed then that she just hung on the phone with him for 20 -30 minutes during that time every time he called instead of just hanging up on him. Makes me wonder about all the calls she has gotten over the years from him. Were they about her son or about him trying to get her back.
She also STILL has the ring from when they got married (in 1991 !!) When asked why she still has it she said her grandmother had it until she died and she doesn't want to just sell it for half of what it is worth...

I know it is not her fault he wants her back but I think I should have been informed of this when it happend and the keeping the ring has me wondering. Not a big marriage breaking thing really, but it is irritating for sure that I was not informed of these conversations.

Should i just blow this off or do you think it is cause for concern???

 

Na, I'd be ******. She held something back from you for a lot of years. Be a concern for me if I was trying to be a good and honest husband and she was lying through her teeth.

 

im sure everything is cool, but the insecurities could cause some stress. bottom line is she has made a life with you, and thats the big thing. they have a child together, so there will always be a connection for them. as for the ex tryin to cause problem, he needs to move fowards. maybe a swift kick in the butt would get him on his way

brett

 

I think you need to sit back and relax and remind yourself that she is still with YOU. Don't make an issue of something you know little about, such as what the phone conversations were about. She and her ex have a lifelong connection through this child, so you have to deal with it. If you had known about these phone conversations sooner, it would have only been a wedge between the two of you (same as now) and maybe your young marriage may not have survived. As far as the ring goes, it sounds as though it is a family heirloom and you would hate to see her get rid of one of those, right? So there you have my opinion, and that is all it is.

 

you cannot keep someone from leaving so she picked you enjoy it. be glad she isn't a gold digger as alot of people are. and yes it would bother me .

 

It isn't a family heirloom. He bought it for her when he asked her to marry him. Then after they split up she gave it to her grandmother who has since passed away. Now she still has it. It just seems odd to me.

Thanks for the feedback guys. I feel a little better now.

 

does she leave the room when she talks to him? that is a big tip off. the only thing she should be talking about is stuff pertaining to the kid, nothing else, PERIOD... is she mad at you when she gets off the phone?, does she mention alot of stuff about him or compare you to him? when she takes the kid over to his place does she stay "too long". i would talk to him, record the whole conversation, tell him not to call unless its something for the kid and only for the kid and if not you are going to press phone harrasment charges against him. if she hasnt told him that she is happy with you and she dosent want anything to do with him, i would watch her. she should be the one to stop him on a dime when the conversation steers away from the kid.

 

I wouldn't sweat it.

She probably figured that if she told you, there would be major friction between you and this guy. I could see how she might not want to needlessly upset you, and why she would want to keep things civil with this guy for their kid's sake.

Obviously she chose you, and even the offer of a house isn't about to change her mind. I'd maybe tell her you appreciate her telling you about this, but you would have preferred being told when it happened.... and then drop it.

 

I have gone thru a pretty similar situation with The BOSS and her ex...

Its hard not to be a little jealous and worried, but what the rest of these guys have said is correct, she chose to be with you, and absent any overt act to the contrary, has chosen to stay with you........

I wouldnt fret over her not telling you about it at the time, point is she has told you now....she may have been worried about what it would do to your relationship if she had said something or she may simply have not wanted to have to deal with a confrontational situation between you and her ex at the time.

Let it go, lifes to short to worry about that stuff.........

 

Gotta agree with Chrisreyn. Yes, it's a blow to the ego. I'd sure be upset, I have to admit. You know her better than us, perhaps she's trying to protect her relationship with you and more importantly, your feelings. What's important is that she and you are together, marching forward into the future as a team. We sometimes make mistakes in how to protect those we love and the intent was misinterpreted and twisted. Keep the high ground. You're stuck with this guy forever, as he does have a parental interest. But, you have all the advantages.
Keep the faith, give her a hug and let her know that she's the most important thing in your life.

~Dave

 

I'd be a little upset, my wife was married with a kid before me, and they talk. She hates him, (she says this, and I believe her) but she will still talk to him about crap that has nothing to do with the kid. What I did was:
Sat down by myself and wrote down what bothered me.
Got one of my buddies that was not a meat head, and asked him to read it, and see if I was being a retard or if I had a reason to be upset.
Then, had him help me reword it so that it was not going to start a fight.

I brought this up to my wife, let her know that it was bothering me, and I wanted to talk about it. (WARNING! Not a normal thing for a man to do!) I told her that I was not acusing her of anything, and that I did not want to fight, but I was still upset, and I needed her to tell me that there was nothing going on, and she loved me...even though I already knew that.

Things got better in a hurry, and she said that she did not think anything of what she was talking about to her ex, just trying to keep things civil for the kid. Problem over.

I hope that, if you do someting like this, that it goes as smooth for you as it did for me. Good luck.

 

Thats what was going on in my case as well..... trying to keep a civil relationship, and not telling me so things wouldnt be "bad" between me and him, possibly making the girls feel awkward or like they needed to take sides...

 

That is some of the best advice you can get right there. He hit the nail right on with that one!

 

X's can wreak havoc on relationships. All it takes is the power of suggestion to undermine your relationship. It is a good thing that you were told about this stuff, but obviously the power of suggestion is working on you some.

This stuff coming from this X is probably always coming up in their conversations, he is using the 'for the sake of the kid' game to keep the door open and play his head games.

Obviously she has chose you over him, that is the way it is, he can't stand it, so he tries the 'money game'. Money certainly doesn't buy love, and it further doesn't buy her. He will probably keep up this stuff at every opportunity, that's just the way it goes. I am guessing here, but she might be having her fair share of this bs and may not have found a way to stop this stuff coming from him AND does want to keep things civil for the sake of the kids. If that is true, she has to find a way to stop him by herself, and she either will or it will finally end when the kids reach adulthood and he has no further reason to speak with him. Psycho stuff is hard to combat, it is good she told you, but she has to be the one to handle him. I would be more concerned about what he is saying to the kids and how he will try to play them. If this subject comes up again between you two, I would suggest to her that hopefully he is not playing some kind of head games with the kids, and if need be you would step in to help her with this and have a talk with him, otherwise I would not interfere, it's her old business and she needs to rectify it. Don't let it bother you any more, box it up and put it on the shelf.

Move on, work to make your relationship better and stronger. Give her what money cannot buy.

CD

 

all I can say is WOW. What a high percentage of great guys here! Thanks you all for being sensible, and advocating that nobody fly off the handle jumping to (most probably false) conclusions. Kudos, men.

MOST women are scared sh**less of raising a ruckus in the family life we all so cherish - and dealing with a possessive, intrusive, paranoid ex IN ADDITION TO a possessive, insecure and paranoid husband is just the worst thing we can go through. I have been there, I do know.

Your wife MARRIED you - she brought her child to the marriage, and that is placing the biggest amount of trust in YOU that is possible. The absolute best thing you can do is to provide her with unconditional, quiet, loving support - these things can take YEARS to get past, and the ex spouse (especially if he thinks he's making "progress" toward his apparent fantasy of taking her away) ain't gonna help out by acting like a sane person. If the man is actually serious about remaining a good parent in his child's life, there's a much better chance that things will level out in a reasonable time frame.

In my own case, only two years ago my ex offered an apology for the way he treated me both during the marriage and in the aftermath of divorce (that was final nearly 18 years ago). I believe it is the first time in three generations of his family that ANY man has apologized for anything..... I was dumbfounded, but gratified. We recently were both there for our son's marriage - and it was GOOD to see him again, as an old friend. (AND I'm sure glad I am not married to him!!)

Short version - listen to the good advice from the other guys here - hold onto her and give her trust and love. If she thinks that she's always under suspicion it will erode the love and trust she has for you - NOT what you want at all. Women need to be appreciated - tell her you admire the effort she makes to keep things good in YOUR family (yours and hers) and offer any support she may need - you won't believe the "brownie points" you can get from a simple thank you given in sincerity to a woman who loves you.

Best of luck in getting through this difficult time, and Prayers that your guidance comes from Above.