This was posted on another website I read, I thought you guys would get a kick out of it. I had to edit some of them to make them family safe. ENJOY...


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9mm or 12mm socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at Austin Morris, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts.

DARNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DARNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

JESUS CLIP OR SPRING: Small clip or spring you are trying to install when it suddenly goes flying across your garage to be lost forever and you say "Jesus where did that thing go!" These parts are usually not sold separately so you will have to buy the complete assembly at 100 times the cost of the clip or spring itself. You console yourself by thinking now you have extra parts on hand. In reality you will never again use anything off this assembly. It will occupy a shelf in your garage until you die and someone cleaning out your garage throes it away asking "Why did he have this laying around?

 

True so very true!!!

 

Great list, now I know what t he tools are for.
Phillips screwdriver, called a plus screwdriver + sloted screwdriver is a minus - scredriver. calipers a calabrated C clamp. Soldering iron is a woodburner, or an emergency coffee warmer.

 

I guess not too many people thought this was interesting.

 

"PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads."
Also: When the ordinary two position slip-joint variety is adjusted for the "too wide to use for anything useful position", they are effective at creating blood-blisters on your palm or pinky finger when they slip off the now pre-rounded off bolt head.

K.

 

Impact Swivel: A sometimes useful device when using an air impact in awkward spots. Most widely known for being a completely mechanical device with the uncanny ability to precisely let go of a spinning 1-1/16" socket and reliably hit your lip 3 out of 4 times! This is the same device that when stopped, requires the use of the Craftsman 1/2" screwdriver to CHANGE sockets.

 

Very true! except that Darnit tool, around here it isn't called that

 

Yea, same here. It was the main one that was modified to be "family friendly"

 

Single Bladed Pocket Knife: Useful multi tool for many tasks from doubling as a screw driver (both actual use and as seen in above description) to a eating utensil. Usually kept as dull as possible when needed, unless something is being cut and it slips, then by an unknown, complicated chemical reaction it sharpens just before it makes contact with skin.

 

Then the 1-1/16 socket has now taken the name of the darnit tool

 

I laughed so much I hurt now.

 

Jacob's Chuck: A 3 jaw torque limiter and drill shank milling tool. Frequently equipped with an audible drill-tip breakthrough alarm.
See: Chuck Key

Chuck Key: Named after "Chucky" for his demonic ability to get away from you whenever you are really ready to put the hurt on it.

K.

 

Cheater bar: Used to break those cheap ratchets and sockets when you don't have the "grapes" to do it yourself.