blackdiesel

Quotes are due tomorrow. Im thinking about

"For the money, for the glory, and for the fun....
But mostly for the money" -Bandit

Off Smokey and the Bandit of course! But i'd like yalls input. Any really funny ones that you have used or read. Thanks guys!

tbarbee1

Recently I was in a convience store getting fuel and a very attractive young woman came in she looked at the older gentleman in front of me and said can you help me. He said no but I'd hurt myself trying. She finishing her statement says theres something wrong with my car he replied Oh well maybe I can help you then and followed her out the door like a whipped pup.

Shovelhead

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened."
Winston Churchill

stuckey200224

i dont remember the date but shortly after 9/11 gen schwartzcoff. was intervied on cnn the reporter asked him if he thought we could just forgive the people who attacked us his reply was " forgivness is gods job, its our job to arrange the meeting". i thought that was pretty good.

Howy

"Sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes the bar eats you."

-The Stranger

Later

s cesnick

* If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under. ----Ronald Reagan

*Heroes may not be braver than anyone else. They're just braver five minutes longer. --- Ronald Reagan

ofcmarc

This might help.

https://www.dieseltruckresource.com/...ghlight=wisdom

Wisdom and humor.

Fronty Owner

Embrace the suck.

madhat

I have a few more at my office at work, I'll try to get them on here first thing in the morning...0600 or so...

DmaxEter

"A day without a buzz is a day that never wuzz"

12valve@heart

Thanks to mikeysfunnies.com, here are a few one-liners to choose from:

fromMIKEY===============================

ALL THOTS, ALL THE TIME!

What follows is our biannual compilation of Thots from the last six months of Funnies.

Enjoy...

Mikey

P.S. Just a reminder: I don't write 'em; I only pick 'em...

P.P.S. bi·an·nu·al: adj. - 1. Happening twice each year; semiannual; 2. Occurring every two years; biennial. (Yes, people challenge my use of "biannual" twice a year. -sigh-)

today'sFUNNY===============================

~ A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
~ A mother can touch a whole generation just by loving her own child well.
~ Adults are just kids who owe money.
~ Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
~ Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.
~ Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
~ Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~ Being average means you are the best of the worst and the worst of the best.
~ Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~ Calling a person a runner-up is the polite way of saying you're the first loser.
~ Children are natural mimics - they act like us in spite of all our attempts to teach them good manners.
~ Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
~ DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it...
~ Do I look like a people person?
~ Do NOT argue with a spouse who's packing your parachute.
~ Do not believe in miracles...rely on them.
~ Dogs believe they are humans. Cats believe they are God.
~ Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
~ Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
~ God makes everything but unbreakable hearts.
~ Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas.
~ GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live.
~ Have a nice day...someplace else!
~ Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
~ How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
~ I do it because I can. I can because I want to. I want to because you said I couldn't.
~ I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~ I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
~ I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to grow up, if I'd known that so much of adulthood is ad-libbed.
~ I'd like to give you a going away present. But, do your part first!
~ I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
~ I'm not tense...just terribly, terribly alert.
~ I'm really easy to get along with - once you people learn to see it MY way.
~ I'm tickled to be the chairman of the Society for People with Super-Sensitive Feet.
~ If at first you succeed, break it and start over again.
~ If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
~ If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?
~ If God takes you to it, He'll lead you through it.
~ If I throw a stick, will you leave?
~ If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
~ If you have something to say, raise your hand...and place it over your mouth!
~ Is it time for your medication or mine?
~ Keep the faith...just not from others.
~ Life is not so much a matter of position as of disposition.
~ Man's way leads to a hopeless end...God's way leads to an endless hope.
~ May I never miss a rainbow because I am looking down.
~ Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~ Most auto accidents are caused by mechanical faults - like the loose nut behind the steering wheel.
~ Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the budget is more talkable than balanceable.
~ Now go have a nice day unless you already have other plans.
~ Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
~ Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind.
~ People laugh because I am different. I laugh because they all are the same.
~ People's lives can be measured by the size of the things it takes to get their goat.
~ Personally I've never experienced normal or stayed awake long enough to understand it.
~ Red meat is not bad for you. It's green fuzzy meat that's bad for you.
~ Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who's 6'4" to my 6' in height), why junk food is bad for you.
~ Shhhh, listen! That's the sound of nobody caring what you think!
~ Some folks hang out at joints when they are young and then grow old and just hope their joints hang with them.
~ Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
~ The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
~ The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~ The greatest miracle is not a change of circumstances, but rather a faith that sustains us in the face of trying circumstances.
~ The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~ The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
~ The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.
~ The older I get, the faster I was.
~ The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
~ The one item you want is never the one on sale.
~ The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
~ The only parental command your child will not disobey is the command your child does not hear.
~ The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
~ The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
~ The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
~ The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
~ The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
~ The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
~ The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
~ The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.
~ The two basic rules of human enlightenment: 1. There is a God 2. You're not Him.
~ The world is full of willing people...some willing to work and some willing to let them.
~ The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
~ There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
~ There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.
~ There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
~ There is more to life than increasing its speed.
~ There is no right way to do a wrong thing.
~ There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
~ There's no future in time travel.
~ There's no such thing as non-existence.
~ There's no time like the present. But a few seconds ago probably bore a *striking* similarity.
~ There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
~ These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
~ To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer.
~ To forgive is to set the prisoner free...and then discover the prisoner was you.
~ To vacillate or not to vacillate - that is the question...or is it?
~ Too may freaks. Not enough circuses.
~ Too many of us speak twice before we think.
~ Treat each day as your last. One day you'll be right.
~ Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
~ Two wrongs are only the beginning.
~ We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~ What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A receding hareline.
~ What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your house back; you get your girl back; your dog back, your truck...
~ When I married Mr. Right, I didn't know his first name was Always!
~ When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
~ When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
~ Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
~ Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its rear end."
~ Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
~ Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
~ Why are they called "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
~ Why are they called "buildings," when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called "builts"?
~ Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
~ Why are you driving me crazy when you know it's within walking distance?
~ Why be normal?
~ Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
~ Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
~ Why do they call it Alcoholics Anonymous, and then make everybody say their name at the beginning of the meeting?
~ Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
~ With high-definition TV everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.
~ Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?
~ You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
~ You're not finished when you're defeated, you're only finished when you quit.
~ Your child needs your love the most when they deserve it the least.
~ Your mouth is the microphone of your heart.

today'sTHOT============================

See above.

=======================================

PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com

kelley15

This one is one I try to live by.
“Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking".. J C Watts
I also like the one in my signature by Ted Nugent.
Don't really know if these help you though.

TexasCTD

"Money may not buy you happiness, but it sure makes being miserable a whole lot more tolerable"!

TexasCTD

As True Today as it Ever Was

Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN in 1907.

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and NOTHING BUT an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but ONE flag, the American flag, We have room for but ONE language here, and that is the English language and We have room for but ONE sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

Theodore Roosevelt 1907

TexasCTD

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.