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Thread Starter
Chapter President
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 4,983
Likes: 1
From: Sedalia, Texas
While Bubba and Billy Bob, two rednecks from Lenoir, NC., were in the local
Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won First Place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and
extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won Sixth Prize; a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.
Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great! I love
spaghetti!" Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you. How's the toilet brush?" "Not so good", replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to toilet paper.
Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won First Place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and
extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won Sixth Prize; a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.
Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great! I love
spaghetti!" Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you. How's the toilet brush?" "Not so good", replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to toilet paper.
Registered User
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 405
Likes: 0
From: Cookeville, Tn
JimBob and Bubba were sitting on Bubbas tailgate and JimBob said "Bubba if me and your wife had relations and she got pregnant would that make us kin?"
Bubba said " I don't know but it sure would make us even!"
Bubba said " I don't know but it sure would make us even!"
Thread Starter
Chapter President
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 4,983
Likes: 1
From: Sedalia, Texas
IT Can Kill You
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,411
Likes: 2
From: Laredo
Guys i got this one in an email....
The Old Man's Job Application
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to a Wal-Mart in Arkansas
Name: (insert name here)
Sex: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least one who will cooperate)
Desired Position: Company president or Vice President, but seriously, whatever is available, If I was in a position to be picky, i wouldnt be applying here in the first place.
Desired Salary: 185,000 a year, plus stock options and a Micheal Ovitz style severance package, if thats not possible, make me an offer and we can haggle
Education: yes
Last Position Held: Target for middle management hostility
Previous salary: A lot less than what im worth
Most notable Achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post it notes
Reason for leaving: It sucked
Hours to work: Any
Preferred Hours: 1:30-3:30 on Monday Tuesday and Thursday
Do you have any special skills?: yes but they are better suited for an intimate environment
May we contact your current employer?: If i had one, would i be here?
Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs?: Of what?
Do you have a car?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, do you have a car that runs?
Have you received any special awards or recognitions?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, or so they tell me.
Do you smoke?: On the job no, on my breaks, yes
What would you like to be doing in five years?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously welathy dumb, sexy, blonde supermodel who thinks im the greatest thing since sliced bread, well actually id like to be doing that now
Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Oh yes, absolutely
Sign here: Sagittarius
Wal-mart ended up hiring the old man because he was so funny
Tx
The Old Man's Job Application
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to a Wal-Mart in Arkansas
Name: (insert name here)
Sex: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least one who will cooperate)
Desired Position: Company president or Vice President, but seriously, whatever is available, If I was in a position to be picky, i wouldnt be applying here in the first place.
Desired Salary: 185,000 a year, plus stock options and a Micheal Ovitz style severance package, if thats not possible, make me an offer and we can haggle
Education: yes
Last Position Held: Target for middle management hostility
Previous salary: A lot less than what im worth
Most notable Achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post it notes
Reason for leaving: It sucked
Hours to work: Any
Preferred Hours: 1:30-3:30 on Monday Tuesday and Thursday
Do you have any special skills?: yes but they are better suited for an intimate environment
May we contact your current employer?: If i had one, would i be here?
Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs?: Of what?
Do you have a car?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, do you have a car that runs?
Have you received any special awards or recognitions?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, or so they tell me.
Do you smoke?: On the job no, on my breaks, yes
What would you like to be doing in five years?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously welathy dumb, sexy, blonde supermodel who thinks im the greatest thing since sliced bread, well actually id like to be doing that now
Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Oh yes, absolutely
Sign here: Sagittarius
Wal-mart ended up hiring the old man because he was so funny
Tx
Thread Starter
Chapter President
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 4,983
Likes: 1
From: Sedalia, Texas
LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I'm a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half
the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.....
Now what do I do?
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I'm a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half
the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.....
Now what do I do?
