Goofed-Up, Humorous Church Signs & Bulletins
11-07-2005, 06:14 PM
#1
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Goofed-Up, Humorous Church Signs & Bulletins
Taken from Church Bulletins / Church Announcement signs...
These were so funny, I couldn't help but to pass them on!
To error, is to be human.
Eightballsidepocket
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.
is done.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
These were so funny, I couldn't help but to pass them on!
To error, is to be human.
Eightballsidepocket---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.
is done.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
11-07-2005, 06:25 PM
#2
Thats MR Hoss to you buddy!
Due to growth, our church is really cramped during Bible classes. We don't have enough classrooms. As a result, we are using other rooms that would not normally be used as classrooms to hold Bible classes. The person coordinating this either had a stroke of brilliant humor or he just wasn't thinking. He scheduled a class entitled "The Christian Wife" in...of all places...the kitchen.
Needless to say, he caught a lot of grief from some of the ladies in our congregation.
11-07-2005, 06:33 PM
#3
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Years ago, I was playing a Bach or Buxtehude choral prelude based on the Lutheran hymn "wachet auf" (German for "awake" or "wake up"). You musicologists and Bach scholars out there know that we loosly translate the lines of this chorale into English as "Sleepers Wake, A Voice Calls", which is what I wrote to put into the bulletin on Sunday.
Except I didn't write it - I gave it to the church secretary over the phone (this was when I was Organist and Choirmaster at Miles Park Presbyterian Church in Cleveland, when I was in college).
She never mention that she might have misunderstood me - but when I got to church on Sunday morning, the bulletin read:
Sleepers Wake, AVOID Calls!! 
Except I didn't write it - I gave it to the church secretary over the phone (this was when I was Organist and Choirmaster at Miles Park Presbyterian Church in Cleveland, when I was in college).
She never mention that she might have misunderstood me - but when I got to church on Sunday morning, the bulletin read:
Sleepers Wake, AVOID Calls!!
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