How did we ever learn it?

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but
the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a
goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of
moose should never be meese. You may find a lone
mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of
house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why
shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I
spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give
you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a
tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the
plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet
hat in the plural would never be hose, and the
plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a
brother and also of brethren, but though we say
mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine
pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the
feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up
speaking English:

01) The bandage was wound around the wound.
02) The farm was used to produce produce.
03) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
04) We must polish the Polish furniture.
05) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
06) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
07) Since there is no time like the present, he
thought it was time to present the present.
08) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head
of a bass drum.
09) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For
example ... If you have a rough cough, climbing can
be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There
is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither
apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't
invented in England.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that
writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy
that you can make amends but not one amend? If you
have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but
one of them, what do you call it? If teachers
taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a
vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking
English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites? You
have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in
which you fill in a form by filling it out and in
which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

 

Man thats messed up
I've heard its the hardest language to learn.. I will let you know once I learn it

 

So, what are we really telling people when we say:
"Yes, Im a big diesel fanatic." ?

Does that mean:
1) We really like diesels?
2) We only like really big diesels?
3) We like diesels and need to diet?
or
4) All the above?


Rich

 

All the above.

 

And, of course, don't for get the infamous:

Let's go take a drive on the parkway and when we get home, we'll park in the driveway.

 

OK now you have confused me.......or is it meese?

 

wow my finance i mean fiance is going to get this. she says aint aint a word can you beleive that!

 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

Good one, but here's another one for you.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!

 

I know people who use this "Euro-English". Some of which are on this site.

 

Here are some really ignorant sounding words that most people use but would never put into print.

Dudn't
Wudn't
Idn't

Daniel

 

Hoss has way to much time on his hands!

 

What, you think I actually came up with that on my own?? Three words....copy and paste.

 

Sorry didnt mean to give you to much credit

 

You forgot a couple we use in the south, here are a couple of examples.
eetchet (northern translation: have you eaten yet)
sensusup (northern translation: Since you are up)
fixinto (northern translation: getting ready to)