"Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become.

>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details
of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot
be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone
bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons
as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client"

 

If you call about buying one of their services you get a person much quicker.

 

Nice........

 

I'm guessing this is a copy and pasted note, my response is directed at the author, not the poster unless he is the author....

Looks like someone got sour pants because they can't balance a checkbook and realize funds are not availible for 24 hours after a deposit other than cash.

I do have to agree on one thing, banks suck. Find a credit union.

I really don't care about lienency with a bounced check fee or any other fee as long as they don't charge me to have an account open with their company because I am accountable enough to not bounce a check and they should not charge me for giving them capital to invest. I understand banking is the business they are in and when they have to waste time to process your screw up, it costs them time and money. Some people need to grow up and move on.

No one says you have to use a bank! The guy you paid... I'm sure he would have taken cash. Pull all your money out of your bank or stop whining about your incompetencies.

 

It is a copy past because I have seen it before but I still laugh because I can see myself or many others writing a similar letter.

Although I have noticed if you have an account number for what ever business you are calling, you just need to enter it incorrectly a time or two and they get you to a real person very quickly!

 

No institution is perfect. However, any issues I have had with my credit union (my issues or theirs), have been remedied promptly, courteously, and with a human being.

That is why I have been with the same credit union for 17 years!

These days, most credit unions' criteria is so liberal, that almost anyone can join!

Tony

 

Credit unions do alot of the same practices as banks but I agree their not as bad. I have been at the same credit union for 15 years now and have now plans of changing as their service is great. One thing that people don't know espically those of us in the younger generation is that when you write a check nowdays most places process it the same as a debit card purchase. When they run it through the machine at the store it debits the account at that time. The days of "floating a check" praying that it wont clear until the paycheck does are gone. Another practice is the banks enjoy is running the debits before any of the payments. Say for instance a paycheck goes in at midnight on a friday and a purchase is made at 1 in the morning the transactions are not offically processed until buisness hous and even though the debits happened after the deposit, they are processed first then the deposit. This has caught more than one person I know and I belive it is a dispicable practice. As stated above the best thing to do is keep good track of your accounts and know how much money is in the bank before the purchase is made.

 

Yes, Credit Unions are way better. If not, go to USAA! I use both!

 

About 4 years ago, my bank quickly bounced my check to a utility company.

I knew there were dollars in it, so I went in to check in person.
A teller, had inadvertently debted my account for someone elses. This made mine look overdrawn.
Going over it the lady agreed with me and corrected it.

The management over rode it and re-established the fines.

I went back in ( this was all happening over 3 months), and found the same lady and showed her.
She again gave me a credit.
so, I closed the account.

Then the officer of the bank called me and said they were going to turn it over to the feds!!! I said go ahead, but get all the figures from the last 6 months together before you do. He said why. I told him that was the right way to do it and that he would see I'm right.
A week later he called and apologized and asked me to re-open the account!

 

I've had just as many bad experiences with credit unions as I have had with banks! Credit Unions are definitely not perfect......I'll have to check out USAA......though even in San Antonio, aren't they mainly internet with very little brick and mortar establishments?

 

HEY! We don't use that kind of language here, even if it is just implied!