AkTallPaul

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves
clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that
works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and
whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers,
I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odours
that
lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw
rug
by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look
squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and
announce:
"This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice
you
might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for
the
bathtub:

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of
concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalise on
that
advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open
area
where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your
bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub
with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take
a
shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a
three-
ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin
from
your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress
to
protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top
construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey
face
mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel
when
you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure
the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the
towel
can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply
carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange
attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does
notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product
testing
experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a
single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure,
slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with
shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the
problem
is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two
or
three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to
give
him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and
fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record
for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part
will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point
and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple
compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat
is
semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug
with
you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat
will
end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best
thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your
leg.)
After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just
reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will
usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of
time
sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop
the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a
rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defences and injure you
for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

phloop

I have three of these things thanks to the ex-wife. I also have a 130lb. mutt. One of those cats has been around this dog since he was a pup. The dumb cat now think's he is a dog. I find him curled up with the dog at night, he comes when he is called, and he follows me on walks just like my dog does. Kinda funny to be followed around by a big black dog and a black cat.

Totallyrad

People think that because cats lick themselves all the time they're incredibly clean. The truth is, they're just covered in cat spit!

Equalizer 2

The easiest way to bathe a cat is this:

1. Flush the toilet to get clean water.
2. Raise both the lid and seat.
3. Pour in some pet shampoo.
4. Go find your cat.
5. Lure the cat into your arms and nonchalantly walk into the bathroom.
6. In an extremely fast and very smooth motion toss the cat into the toilet, close the lid and stand on it.
7. Allow 2-3 minutes for the cat to self-agitate in the shampoo water.
8. Flush the toilet 3-4 times to provide a power rinse to cleanse off all the shampoo.
9. Have someone open the nearest door to the outside of the house.
10. Put on a very heavy pair of gloves and get behind the toilet.
11. Quickly raise the lid and stay out of the way.
12. The cat will quickly exit the house and you only need to clean up a little water that he dribbled behind him as he left.


If you are lucky the cat won't come home after he dries out!

sherod

As with all farm kids, we always had house cats, barn cats, and however many dogs that showed up.

We also had a somehow related guy in the family named Roman. We would drop by, get out his bottle, and proceed to get polluted. Then, he would grab as many critters as he could and try to stuff them in a feed sack and head to the pond.

Us kids, not liking this one bit, took advantage of his drinking one day. He passed out in the shade next to his truck. We got a couple 100lb feed sacks, stuffed his head in one and his feet in the other. Loaded him in the front loader and drove to the pond. We had just dumped him in when Dad and Grandad showed up at high speed. They fished him out and pounded some air back in him.

He was sober when he left, and I never saw him again.

Didn't get much of the paddle either.....

Ed

Dieseldude4x4

The cure for your cat problem.

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This is one you don't want to have to pull off of you for sure. She is built like a bulldozer. Fortunately, she was raised around six kids so she shows no agression to people at all BUT, if you're a small fluffy soft prissy cat looking thing, WATCH OUT.