This is truly a strange place for me to vent.

My wife and I have separated. After three years of a roller coaster ride, we have gone different directions.(not the first time) I already have started the process of divorcing her. But now or even before now, I am still not in a place of complete clarity. I feel I could have or should have done this or that differently. Or maybe given more time in that venture as opposed to this one. These thoughts haunt me into sleepless nights.

I have my share of personal issues, (i think), but she clearly has hers.

I'm torn up inside.

 

it is hard to do buddy. I proceded with divorce on my wife (been 9 years now). Was the hardest thing i have had to do. email me if you ever need to chat

 

Not going to pretend to know what you are going through. That is a very painful situation you are in. You will be in my prayers. The fact that you are venting is good. You are grieving your relationship and you have to go through that to heal. Keep your chin up and their are people that care and again will be praying for you.

 

jj3500, what you are going thru is rough. May I suggest that before either of you sign the divorce papers that you run, not walk to the nearest book store and buy two copies of "The Five Love Languages" and two highlighters. Give one book and a highlighter to your wife - today! Both of you read the book and highlight the points that hit you, then get together and talk about what you have read. If both of you can read the book and still not sort out your problems, then and only then, consider a divorce.
Please don't give up yet.

 

JJ, Pretty MANLY to come here and share what's going on with you. I have been there too but don't think I would have the courage to do as you have done. Since you're here, may I suggest something?? The fact that you are experiencing doubts about past actions suggests that there are things that have not yet been resolved. I don't know why you want to be divorced, however I do know that some people feel that divorce will resolve or end the unfinished business. It doesn't. You wind up carrying it on and more than likely even into a future relationship.

I think mextan gave you some good advice. Anything to resolve the unfinished business will give you a better outlook and will help you to sleep better.

May God bless you as you go through this time.

 

Go watch the movie "Fireproof" with Kirk Cameron. Excellent Movie! Will be praying for ya!

 

JJ3500, I heard an interesting statistic the other day and I'll have to do some hunting to find the source so for now you'll just have to take my word for it. The statistic said that for typical first-time marriages, it was 4-5 years into the marriage before the relationship got to the point where they felt like they were going to make it. For subsequent marriages, it was 7-9 years after they got married before they felt like they were going to make it.

I can't tell you whether you should divorce or not but the statistics that I read say that if you keep working through it (and yes, marriage is work), when you get to the other side, you will be happier and better off than if you bail at this point. Whether you read The 5 love Languages (I'm going through it right now myself) or take the 40 Day Dare mentioned in Fireproof or go see a counselor, the fact that you have doubts about the divorce indicate to me that there's still hope for your marriage. The fact that you started divorce proceedings doesn't mean that you can't reevaluate along the way. Hang in there and feel free to contact some of us if we can help you through the rough spots.

 

You will be in my prayers

 

Go with what you REALLY feel in your heart and remember that sometimes people just simply grow apart. Hanging on to a bad marriage can be just as harmful as blindly leaving a good one that simply needs help.

Only you know which one you are in and I hope that what ever happens, you and her will both be happy in life.

 

When I got married, I didn't believe in divorce and thought I simply wouldn't ever let it happen to me... but I'd never experienced a relationship going south the way it did.

Looking back, I can see areas where I could have been a better husband, areas where I really wasn't attentive, and I wish I would have seen things at the time in the clarity of hindsight.

If you are having mixed feelings, maybe you need to sit down with her and discuss things, or even seek out the help of a professional.

In my case, we both still cared for each other, and like the same activities, and tried to stay friends who do things together. That would be fine, until one of us started dating someone else.

I guess to sum up what I'm saying, if you are having mixed feelings tell her what you are thinking, and decide if you both want to make it work.

On the flip side, two people have to decide to have a marriage, but it only takes one to end it. If that is the case, more of a clean break might be less painful in the long run than the way things played out in my case.

Best of luck to you, however it turns out.

 

been handling divorces for over ten years. relationship adjustments have to be made; communication is key. easy to speak out of defense....but only you know your situation. please do not let emotions dictate a legal event!

marriage counselors only work if both of you are willing to explore the issue of establishing a new relationship with each other, and counselors have to be a good fit for the both of you. they will give you homework and ask you to rate how the counselor presents to each of you. you should be able to leave the session by having a good feeling personally or relationship hope. it is all about learning options on how you treat each other.

what is the old commercial for hair loss?
I am not only the company president, I am a client!

hang in there and get some communication going!! does a lot for sleeping at night I am in the finger lakes region, PM if you really think divorce is the only way...my advice though- is above^^

Heidi

 

you will be in our prayers and this is a great place to talk and get help sure its a truck forum but were all in one way a big family and we can provide the shoulder you need when you need it

 

Seems to me that you have your answer in your post..."after three years of a roller coaster ride"
So, either get back on the roller coaster, or get off.
If you get back on, you must like roller coasters.
A good relationship doesn't have to be that difficult, it doesn't have to be full of drama.
Nobody ever thinks it's going to happen to them, but the statistics prove otherwise. So you're just an average guy, like the rest of us.
Once it's over, you'll be relieved, and can enjoy your life again.
I was married once, now I just rent.

 

Food for thought no matter which direction you choose.

Consider your "core values". To understand the powerful nature of core values, think of an of an apple core: the seed in the core are the apple tree's core values; these seeds create the future. The core values are deeply ingrained thought-patterns that motivate behavior.

Examples: "The absence of conflict means there is unity." or "If something we do creates conflict, we must be doing something wrong." or "Speaking my opinions, hopes, dreams and values isn't worth it because it will be shot down"

Look at your true thoughts, then perhaps discuss your values with her. Help her understand her values. You will soon discover why there is conflict. It's a clash of core values. This keeps the emotions out and perhaps you can decide your current relationship is worth working on. If it isn't, you may know yourself better in the future.

And if you want "good luck", remember--that's where opportunity and preparedness meet.

 

I totally understand your situation. I am in a similar situation as we speak. The only advise I can give to you, is if you want the relationship to work.....dont quit on it.

Sometimes it takes time for both people to figure out what it is that went wrong, so they can identify the problems and correct them. It takes both of you to make it work though. If she isnt willing, then you have no choice.

I just gave mine an ultimatum last week, after being seperated for 7 months now, to make her mind up if she wants to try or not. Deadline is Valentines Day.

We have been to marriage counseling
Talked to our pastor
Visited with many friends to get different opinions
We both have prayed daily.

If she shows up at my house on V Day, it means she wants to make a go of it. If she doesnt show up, I'll be over to sign the papers on get on with my life.

I wish you the best, and if you ever want to chat, shoot me a pm and I'll give you my number.

Good Luck and God Bless .