We have a group of techie types( one is a new-age sort)out here from Cali teaching a class and they havent been happy with being in KS, so a few of us wrote up some tips for those thinking of visiting......


Rules to Enter Kansas:
Applies to each person as they enter Kansas.
Learn & remember:
East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!
1. Pull your droopy pants up.
You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."
I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive
it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & feed lots.
That's what they smell like to you.
They smell like money to us.
Get over it.
Don't like it?
I-70 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south.
Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car.
We're impressed.
We have $150,000 wheat combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves.
It's called being friendly.
Try to understand the concept, you whinny-assed elitest.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of quail are coming in, we WILL
shoot it out of your hand.
You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & calf fries.
You really want sushi & caviar?
It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season.
It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of
November.

9. We open doors for women.
That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.
Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of
ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante
Sauce.
Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Malibu call that stuff you
eat... It AINT REAL CHILI!!
Chili was born and bred in Abilene.... and real chili never met ground
turkey!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how
to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. K-State and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and
the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses.
But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try KU, K-State, Washburn, or abunch a' others.
They come outa there with an education plus a love for God and country, and
they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. Our state is home to "The Big Red One," so if you feel inclined to flip
the bird to one of us in the vicinity of Junction City, you'll get your
happy, flabby eastern/California *** whipped by the best!

17. Always remember what our great native son, Gen. Eisenhower once said:

"Kansas can make it without the United States,
but the United States can't make it without Kansas."

 

Looks like you got it covered. Had the pleasure of taking one of those types by the farm one day years ago. He got to "experience" pulling a calf in the barn lot........Never heard from him again. Think he lost the urge to "farm".

Good laugh.

Ed

 

Too bad the folks you directed this to wouldn't have a clue about what your talking about.

 

On of our ESS( electronic security specialist) guys snuck it into a Power point presentation they were using....

 

Makes me want to move out there . Maybe to the Hesston area, so I can be near the AGCO factory

Chris

 

Sounds about right. You need to set up a pig **** wrestling pen, them kind like female mud wrestling, tell em its your version of the sport.

 

At least you know they'll leave, eventually.

I'm stuck with 'em. Some of 'em are even moving into town (my town)

 

You still got cattle land out there, Cowhand? What part of the Inland Empire are you in? Around Mira Loma there's not a dairy to be seen.

Must burn you Midwest guys to know that your children and teenagers idolize our culture and want to be JUST LIKE US.
I have in-laws in Kansas- with the inverntion of cable and satellites, all they seem to do is watch sucky MTV and ask me how many rappers I've seen recently...

 

What are Calf Fries??

 

I hope I can say this and not be band. Calf Fries = Young bull *****, and yes they are good to eat .

 

They are a regional delicacy.... you can only get them in the spring or fall, about round-up time, when the young bulls aer being castrated.
They are generaly thin sliced and fryed or grilled.... served with BBQ sauce or Picante...
QUITE GOOD

 

I likem fried in corn meal with a little catsup on the side

 

OK. I had heard them called Rocky Mountain Oysters, but never calf fries. Some day, I will try them, but they aren't really seen much in my part of Iowa. My Mother liked them, tried them on a trip to Colorado several years back.

Iowa is a strange place. Other than being able to order a good portion of Steak and Eggs or a hefty Iowa Chop for breakfast, there really isn't too much for regional delicacies. I miss Missouri, with the buttered grits and sawmill gravy and biscuits! I always thought that any big corn producing state should have a hefty following for hominy grits, but I am mistaken.

BTW, Thanks to Jeremy for introducing me to Waffle House!! If they ever open a Waffle House in Iowa, I will probably make a special trip just for the Texas Cheese Steak sandwich and a side of Grits!!!

 

Quote from Funny Farm. Call me Mr. Lamb Fries !

 

Along with the droopy pants, how about "Turn that ball cap around before I twist your head around and make it fit right!"

I grew up in Kansas and still call it home. Farm kid through and through.
Steve