Things to ponder;
Thread Starter
It's my pot and I'll stir it if I want to. If you're not careful, I'll stir your's as well!
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 3,259
Likes: 207
From: Central Mexico.
Things to ponder;
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
Please enjoy and understand the following
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS, AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18.IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS of GOD?
Please enjoy and understand the following
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS, AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18.IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS of GOD?
Registered User
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 186
Likes: 0
From: Cross, SC
Good ones.
A few more...
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
If you throw a cat out the window, does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil come from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
How come abbreviation is such a long word?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
A few more...
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
If you throw a cat out the window, does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil come from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
How come abbreviation is such a long word?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Administrator
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,331
Likes: 2
From: Kalamazoo, Michigan
A few more... answers
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? Of course he is. And he doesn't HAVE to be speaking either.
Is there another word for synonym? Yes; same
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?” Would you rather have one with NO practice?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Yes but it is in invisible type.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food? They just haven't thought of it yet.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? Only if it's wrong.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? They do until they're re-inflated by their farmers.
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? So in case they survive they don't die of infection.
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? In case they bump their heads while flying in turbulence.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny? Yes.
If you throw a cat out the window, does it become kitty litter? No, they become the entree at the local Chinese restaurant.
If corn oil come from corn, where does baby oil come from? Duh! BABIES!
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? He was elected president before he had money.
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan? 2 part epoxy.
What’s another word for thesaurus? Actually it's 2 words. And their abbreviated letters are BS.
How come abbreviation is such a long word? It isn't if you abbreviate it!
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes? Your skirt curls up.
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? White.
Why do we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Because that would make sense, and nothing about government makes sense!
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? Of course he is. And he doesn't HAVE to be speaking either.
Is there another word for synonym? Yes; same
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?” Would you rather have one with NO practice?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Yes but it is in invisible type.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food? They just haven't thought of it yet.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? Only if it's wrong.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? They do until they're re-inflated by their farmers.
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? So in case they survive they don't die of infection.
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? In case they bump their heads while flying in turbulence.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny? Yes.
If you throw a cat out the window, does it become kitty litter? No, they become the entree at the local Chinese restaurant.
If corn oil come from corn, where does baby oil come from? Duh! BABIES!
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? He was elected president before he had money.
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan? 2 part epoxy.
What’s another word for thesaurus? Actually it's 2 words. And their abbreviated letters are BS.
How come abbreviation is such a long word? It isn't if you abbreviate it!
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes? Your skirt curls up.
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? White.
Why do we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Because that would make sense, and nothing about government makes sense!
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