To One and all of my Good E-mail buds:

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email tracking program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician....

 

Lary,
Maybe you should tell Chaikwa to use Coca Cola instead of wasting time looking for his brush

(and I think you need to come down off the mountain more often )

~Rob

 

I didn't know you were actually suppose read the e-mails that say FWD, FWD, FWD, FWD!

I can get cancer from Seran Wrap?

I was gonna mention something about the deodorant too.

Have you heard anything about spending too much time on web sites?

 

I learned 3 things from E-mail, my "johnson" needs enlargement and my mortage interest rate is to high, also it seems I need Viagra.

 

Elk velvet capsules will work for the first and third item - has done me no good for my mortgage though.

 

I've discovered I have long lost uncles in Jamaica, South America, Germany, England and Nigeria.
They have all died and left me 1.5 million dollars.

All I have to do is forget how to spell, use improper grammar and send a thousand or so $$'s to get my millions.

How do I do this if I can't lick the envelopes or use UPS?


phox

 

Lary PLEASE stay on the mountain if you arent going to use deodorant

 

We must be kin Phox,

~Rob

 

I once made a script that would parse every e-mail for words indicating the primary male genital and if it was mentioned parse for inches or centimeters and after bringing all measurements to the metric format it would add up and return the result.
Amazingly the said "member" or "johnson" would have grown about (roughly) half a mile per week.

I must admit I was a bit bored at that time

 

LMAO!!!
Hey BTW where is the big ole Christmas party this year I was hoping to bring a truckload of us and trash a motel room in your honor er on your card!!

Rick

 

Count me in.

 

I think we're on the same mailing list!! My junk mail folder is full of e-mails about various sorts of drugs, company stocks that I have to buy, enhancement products, computer software, home loans or girls that want to meet me. I've never quite figured out WHY I get these e-mails.

 

Man I thought I was king stud getting all of those emails from girls that want to meet me........................that is until I just read HOSS's post and all my hopes went down the drain!!!

DANGIT!!! I thought I was special!



~Nick

 

Oh...you are special.

 

I seem to have misplaced my foam helmet!!!


~Nick