8 years ago I drank heavily and made a few mistakes. One of which ended me up with a little girl whom I love to death and wouldn't trade for anything. She will be 7 in Feb. Her Mother and I were never married and were never a real significant couple. We split before our daughter was born and proceeded through a difficult custody dispute.

3 months before my daughter was born I met the girl whom I am maried to now. We've been married 7 years this December. She helped me with my custody proceeding and moral support among many other things. My oldest has called her Mama since she could talk and has never known me to have had another woman inmy life. We have a 4year old daughter together as well. She is a good, attentive and protective mother and i couldn't have asked for more. My daughter's bio-mom can't keep a job more than a couple weeks, is still being supported by her aging parents and continues to act like a kid herself. My wife and Daughter's bio-mom DO NOT get along and I keep contact between them to an ABSOLUTE MINIMUM.

Lately we have been having problems dealing with my oldest daughter's (my wife's step-daughter) disipline. The rules in my house are very different than the rules at her mother's house. (read I have rules and her mother dosen't) She dosen't want to calm down and do her homework correctly, she dosen't want to ply nicely with her little sister, she will back talk, try to get involved into adult conversations when we have guests and just misbehave in general. It's as if she NEVER gets any attention at all, even though this is far from the case in my home.

While I know that every parent (me included) goes through this to some extent and it is never a picnic, it seems that my wife is having an increasingly hard time dealing with it. She is at the point that she is pulling away and wanting less and less with my daughter. She has told me several times that she no longer want's my daugher to call her "Mama" and want's her to refer to her by her first name. My wife tells me nearly everyday that she can't keep having to redirect my daughter constantly.

I completely understand my wife's feelings and concerns but I am at a loss as to what to do. My wife understands that I support her to the end but the strain is there.

Raising 2 little girls today is hard. Raising them and dealing with the step-parent stigma is even harder. I know that stability in my home is a must and that at some point in time my oldest will understand that and come to enjoy it however it's getting very hard to maintain. The wife that I lean on for support is needing more from me than I can seem to find. If I had it I'd use it for her.

I know that I am not the only one out here that is/has dealing(t) with this situation. Choosing between my oldest daughter and my wife & youngest daughter isn't a choice I want to make. Advice is asked and appriciated.

Thanks.

 

Your daughter is 7. She needs discipline from you. You cannot be her friend and let her run over you and your wife.

You need to set firm rules and follow them. If she doesn't do her homework when she is supposed to or play nice with her sister or continues to interupt adult coversation, then it is time discipline her up to and including spanking. Now understand I am saying discipline. Not abuse. You need to show her that you love her but you will not tolerate her insubordination.

If you don't get control of her now then you cannot get another chance to do it later. She is testing you and your wife. Step up to the plate now and show her who the boss is and then she will back down and respect you for it. She wants (and needs) boundaries to be set BY YOU no matter what she tells you. All children do.

As for the ex, you should just try to be as cordial and work with her as much you can regarding your daughter. You can't control what goes on at her house, so don't even try. Just be available for your daughter and support your wife no matter what. Sit down with you daughter and wife and tell the daughter in front of your wife that she is to mind her as though the order came from you. If you hear that she didn't comply, it is time for discipline.

My main point I want to make, is your daughter is testing this whole situation. Advise her of what you expect and the consequences for not complying........THEN FOLLOW THRU!

..

 

Sorry to hear about your problems. It is a tough situation for sure.

However...
I must say that if your current wife chose/accepted to take on the roll of mother to her "stepdaughter" and now wants to change that I would be looking for another wife.

Says a lot about a persons character.

Remember put your kids first.

 

Understood.

There are rules in my house and I do enforce them (including the occasional swat on the backside as appropriate). Perhaps in my rambling, my point wasn't made very clearly. I need help/advice on helping my wife through a difficult spell.

The disipline for the kids is hard but I'll persevere. Helping the wife along is proving to be more and more difficult. The other info is for background.

 

I know right where you wife is coming from. I have a stepson. It is no picnic that is for sure.

As a stepparent you have all the responsibility but ZERO authority !

 

IMO, I think your wife is having difficulty because your daughter is testing everybody.....including her. I am speculating that your wife is limited in being able to discipline your daughter,,,,,,,,as probably most "step" parents are. That leaves her in a vulnerable position and may be creating stress for her.


Also, imo,.....a swat on the behind in passing.......is not discipline.

Ex. that worked for me. One time.....my then 7 year old son (12 now) was not staying with me while we walked around walmart. He was running off and looking at stuff on various isles. I told him to stay with me or he would get lost. Well he didn't and he was running around again a few minutes later. I told him, again,...."son...stay beside me". Well he didn't and he got separated from me. I could see him...but he couldn't see me. Anyway...he had this panicked look on his face....and I went and got him. I told him......"when we get home...that is gonna be 5 licks". (spankings) I didn't swat him there in the store. I just took my time and completed our shopping. He followed me around like glue because he knew he was in trouble. We went and checked out and he was helping and unloading the buggy...everything he could do hoping I would "forget" what I told him about the 5 licks. So we loaded up and went home....relaxing and taking my time. We unloaded the truck. I then said "Son, go to your room and wait for me there.....ill be in a little while". I took my time and finished putting away the groceries etc. Then I went got a paddle (actually the one my mom spanked me with) and went to his room and told him to bend over. I gave him 5 hard licks on his behind and he started crying. I told im to stay in there and think about it until I called him out. About 15-20 minutes passed.........and i called him into the living room. I said "son, do you know why I spanked you?" He said, "yes because I didn't mind you and stay with you at walmart". I said........"well that is partially it, but the main reason I spanked you is because I love you" "I want you to grow up and be a productive human being and do what you are supposed to do" I gave him a hug and told him I loved him.

He has been an Angel Boy, pretty much ever since. He knows if I say something to him........he better mind because I will follow through. He doesn't back talk because he knows the odds of him changing my mind are extremely slim. I don't recall spanking him since then.


IMO, your daughter needs a good dose of discipline and love. Once you have control of her, the stress your wife is feeling will be eleviated..........I think.

You may also need to look at going to some counseling sessions with your wife to help talk thru the problems. Good luck.

..

 

She dosen't want to she's just at her wit's end. No question about her character. She stepped up to the plate and has gone through and helped me through some pretty nasty things. (those of you who have gone through a custody dispute know what I'm talking about)


Due to the fact that the Wife has been involved in raising my oldest since birth she has had authority. When the bio-mom questioned that authority I put her in her place and that hasn't really been an issue. What Mama says goes and Daddy WILL back her up. No questions asked.

I agree. My daughter is testing everyone just as all kids do at some point in time.

She gets both of those. More of the later but lots of the former right now. Time and patience will help but right now the wife is really feeling it.

We've talked about it and may very well go if we can find someone with those kind of credentials. Not exactly a common thing up here.

I appriciate the advice.

 

Well, it sounds like you have your ducks in a row, atleast as much as you can anyway.
I agree with the couseling thing. It can't hurt that is for sure. if you can't find a counselor maybe search the net for some kind of self help book..

It sounds to me like she is totally stressed out. How bout' giving your wife a bit of a break. What I mean by that is get with a few of her friends and have them take her out on the town or shopping for a while. Get her out and have some "Adult" time without the kids. I know when my two little girls get my wife stressed out this seems to help alot. I know it sounds like a small thing but it works wonders for my wife...

 

In the words of Trace Atkins.....I'm tryin.

I'm Looking

I do that as often as possible.... I'm just running out of options and $$$$. Shopping trips to relieve stress are spendy up here.

I do appreciate all of the advice though.....

 

Sounds like you ae trying, and I'm sure you knows that you are trying also.

It also sounds like your location could be a stress maker also...

 

It can be. And we are also going into the time of year that daylight is limited . Just another issue that compounds my problem.......

 

Well I can relate to your wife ofcmarc, I have been a step parent for 11 years now to 2 kids. Difference is the kids father hasn't had any contact with them in 10 years, so our youngest at 13 only really has had me as a father figure. There could be turmoil in your daughter about living with step mom and being close to her mother as well. A child psychologist could help, but some bonding time with your daughter and wife would do more I think, they need to do something fun together and have a good chat.
TexasCTD, you sound like my dad, your Walmart story sent chills down my spine, you don't forget it when you get disciplined. I also disciplined my step son and daughter, my wife basically stood back and let my take charge, it does'nt work if your not showing full support in front of the kids. Behind the scenes is another story, but the kids are doing really well and we are getting along great.

 

as a parent in this same situation i can't stress this enough. Counseling counseling counseling. get family counseling for you, your wife and your kid. a good counselor can save relationships in these kinds of situations. i did it and so should you.

 

Sometimes aboration should be allowed up to the age of 18 yrs....JK.....But sometimes...

 

i was a tyrant of a step child...if i was my stepfather i would have beat me. it all comes down to respect or lack there of for the step parent/parent. give an inch they will take a mile. stick to your guns now before she turns teen on you...and tell your wife to relax shes an adult act like one, telling the child don't call me mom any more was a bad choice