96_12V

Okay, I have a little different sort of question here. I am blessed to have awesome, caring, stable parents who still care deeply about me, even though I'm not a young pup so much anymore. I DO enjoy spending time with them. I'll make that clear from the start. I'm also deeply thankful for the way they raised me, and it's something I hope to do for my kids if I ever have them.

Now, to the issue at hand. For several years my folks have sort of been "best friends" with my younger sister and her husband. My mother is a little bit domineering, which has never bothered my younger sister or her husband, since they are both rather passive in personality. It's not unusual for them the spend one night a week at thier place, since we all three live about 2 hours apart, often they will be working on thier house during those times.

Since I've bought my house, I've noticed almost an over-eagerness on the part of my parents to pitch in and help. I certainly don't mind this, however when they come they typically plan to spend the night - and (how can I be saying this) this is what I'm uncomfortable with. I guess it's just a matter of point that I really am not excited to have my parents staying here in my house, especially if that's happening one or two times a month.

I really hope I'm not sounding selfish here. However I think it's healthy to have boundaries sometimes. I never recall our grandparents staying out at our place (even sometimes, like during snowstorms, when they should have stayed instead of driving home.)

Does anyone have a good, thoughtful idea as to how to work through this? It's distracting to me (obviously) but I also do not want to ailinate my parents in any way. Thanks in advance...

stinkindiesel

Once or twice a month? Count it as a blessing, especially if they're as great as you say.

Take advantage of it, too... tell your mom what you'd like for breakfast and let her know she's got an open invitiation to your kitchen. Either you'll get breakfast, or they won't come around so often. Winner winner chicken dinner!!

s cesnick

I really don't see a problem. If they are helping you out on your house that is a small price to pay. Especially if they live a good distance away ( 2 hours)
If you have plans that night just tell that they are welcomed to stay but you have plans later in the evening. I would tell them BEFORE they show up to aviod any hard fellings.

Hvytrkmech

Looks to me like they are proud of you and just want to spend time with you helping you to succeed. As annoying as it can be for them to be there, I feel you should suck it up and deal with it. Like others stated, if you have plans tell them ahead of time, they may take it better than you think.

Cherish your time with them, and appreciate the inconvenience they cause you. You will be glad you did one day.

Totallyrad

I have to agree with the responses above. There'll be a time all too soon when they won't be able to be this involved with your life and regret is a heavy burden for you to bear. If you want to limit the time to once a month pick a weekend and set a schedule.

1-2-3

I have an over bearing MIL. Mine is a bit different. They would come and spend the summer. They brought their own RV and parked in the yard. There are other circumstances to that, but I'll just keep it simple. Right now, they are out of town, and I'm helping them build a house now so they have their own place when they come back. And it's far enuff away that there is some separation. Next door to your parents after you've married and established your own life is a mistake.

I dont' know how old you are, but take a little advice from me. If your married and have your own place, you need to be in charge of your life. It took my wife and I 20 years to realize that one of our biggest problems was her mother running our lives. Or trying to. If you can nip some things in the bud now it will be a whole lot easier down the road.

We recently had to break her plate and it was a very difficult thing for both all of us to go thru. It's been enuff time for us that I think things are healing and we are all starting to settle back into a position that we should have been in the first place.

I could go on and on about this subject but I'll try to keep it simple. You gotta be in charge. Don't just say no, but give them a reason that's legit and stick to it. Don't lie to them.

CD in NM

I guess I am on the other side of the fence from your situation as I have adult children who are 30-somethings who DO have their own homes and their own lives as well. There have been many time where I could have gone to my childrens homes, maybe stayed with them, but at minimum could be helping them with things around their place that would save them time and money to get them done. With DUE respect to my children and understanding that they have their own lives and control of themselves and their lives, I have refrained from becoming that active in their lives. Instead, I have offered to assist them when the need arises and left the door open for them to decide if/when they feel a visit from me to help out should take place. I casually remind them every so often that my helping hand is available, but I will never just plan to visit every couple of weeks and force myself upon them.

When I said 'maybe stayed' at their home, the maybe comes from my side because frankly, I don't need to stay with them, I can stay at a motel or take my TT, which allows ME to have my privacy and also for them to keep their privacy. On the few occasions that I have gone to help them with things, I have taken my TT and stayed in it, and I also have stayed in a nearby motel on other occasions. They have suggested I stay in their spare room, but I have graciously declined.

Both of my parents have passed away, so in some respects I also can look back at all those cherished moments when my parents came to visit and stayed for a week or two, and those memories are all I have left of them, priceless to say the least.

Each of us have our 'relationships' with our family members. They come from years of well-established interactions and behaviors, kind of what you could call a 'history' of who we are and what we bring or give to one another in the life-long establishment of values, etc. If you know from the past history that you would have to relinquish your head of household status to your parents and you prefer not to do so, tell them in a nice way that they will be visitors but that you are the final word regarding stuff.

I can full understand where you are coming about being 'visited' and also being visited on a more or less regular schedule that encroaches on your life/lifestyle. You have a job that takes up your time, maybe you have a wife(?) and that is primary to you with regards to your time, and maybe just the visiting time will take away from what you feel valuable time to other interests of priority.

If your parents are retired, they have nothing but free time, they see it differently and they probably have forgotten how hard free time is to come by because of your commitments in life. If you truly have and adult relationship with your parents, then they would/should respect that you are in charge of your home and your life.

If you still feel like your parents see you as their child, rather than as their adult child, then you need to get this straightened out before ever proceeding in any direction. Hard feelings come from the unspoken, so it might be a good idea to find a way to broach the subject with them. It would be better to tell them up front that you DO want to include them in your life BUT . . establish the ground rules before just allowing them to take over. Only you know how to feel out the communications angle of this because it is part of you whole life with them and you know how to navigate that territory. It sounds like it to me that you have not been able to navigate it in the past and that you fear it would cause hard feelings because it may not be something easily handled. If that is the case, and you cannot seem to connect to a way to deal with it/them, then you need to avoid it in the present moment until you CAN find a way to accomplish it without it becoming a problem for you or them. It is much easier to tell them that 'right now' you just don't have the time to set aside for much of anything other than you job . . or whatever, and leave it open for some future time, but now is not the time. If need be, take the time to go and visit them for a day or two, that may satisfy their needs to see you.


CD

steelblitzkrieg

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking.

I ask because I went through this with my wife and her parents, when we first got married (21yrs old) we moved up to Sacramento, maybe 70 minutes away, but every weekend we would go to their house and stay a night, we even took the dogs with us. It lasted about a year before it died down. I never had any issues with it, I like her parents and it allowed me to visit my mom and my youngest sister.

Just wait until you have Grandbabies, they'll never leave...MWAHAHAHA!

cougar

In a way, I would consider you lucky. I too was close to my parents. But when I turned 18 and went to work. I have been always moving, never near to them. If I got to see them once a year. That was a task. My mom passed away in 97 and I was the only one of her kids that made it to the funeral. I drove 1200 mile to Montana during some rather bad weather to be there. I haven't seen my dad sense I moved back to Alaska 5 years ago. We talk on the phone once a month, but its not the same. Enjoy them while you still have them. Time has a way of passing rather sudden.
It's OK to set boundaries with your parents. It doesn't men you don't love them. In fact you may gain some respect by taking the initiative.

Lary Ellis (Top)

You don't say no to your parents, if they stay once or twice a month consider yourself blessed to have them there. It won't be long and you won't have them around and will wish you could spend one more evening with them.

Do however feel free to talk with them and set some boundaries that work for both of you. Open and free discussion will only strengthen your position and help to keep from having hurt feelings.

Just try to remember that these are the people that have been there for you ALL your life and they would welcome you back at any moment with open arms. It can be a bit tough on a parent if they think one of their children does not feel the same about them.

Nothing in this world is as important as Family. When the whole world seems against you and you can not get a break no matter which way you turn, family will be there for you. Not worth doing anything to ruin that over a few uncomfortable nights with house guests

Best of luck !

96_12V

Thank you, guys, I fully agree and understand. I'm mid thirties, and still waiting on the whole marriage thing. Hopefully sooner than later, but it's not going to be tomorrow.

I'll admit I've had a rough go at work lately, and it's affected my mood, outlook on life, involvement at church, and time with family. I finally broke that part open with my parents today while they were here and it proved a good relief. With thier encouagement, I'm starting to look at other things, nothing is worth carrying on in a job that you loath to go to each day. If I were supporting a family, that would be another story, but for now I can be flexable.

In fact, they are heading back over next week to spend a couple days tileing the bathroom with me. This is one of the things I respect and appreciate most about my parents, they have a great love of helping us kids with house work, and since my Dad is a retired architect, he has quite a bit of experance with what works/what dosen't, etc.

As to time - believe me, I get that as well. In May '08 I buried my last grandparent, my Grandmother, who was 99. Every time I saw her it was a blessing, increasingly so up to the end. With my folks in their 60's and very, very active, I do hope and pray that I'll have much more time to spend with them on this side of the Jordan, as well.

As for that back bedroom, well, I may just go invest in a new bed, so they'll have a better, more comfortable place to sleep when they visit.

And for all those who read & encouraged me in this, thank you. I apprecaite the input. Hopefully we'll all be reminded and either be this sort of parent ourselves, or at least appreciate those who have sown so deeply into our lives.

ramlovingvet

I agree with Top... Of Course now I need therapy.

1-2-3

My MIL got to the point she would call us up and chew us out for spending the money WE made in a manner that we wanted to but it wasn't "something she would have spent it on" so it wasnt right

Mocho

That's pretty bad man. I'm 20 and still live at home, and for quite a few years no one has told me how to spend my money, ain't gonna happen.

I agree that's a good situation to be in. I've made a point of visiting my grandma every week pretty much all the time. It was a huge wake up call when they are in the hospital that you never know how much more time you have to see them.

My parents are a lot different story. Divorced very young and I didn't see my mom much, and I also try to visit her once a week, but usually doesn't happen.

I sorta feel bad, but at this point, I try to spend as little time with my dad as I can. It's not really that bad, I just am around him so much, I work with him and my bro, and we all live together so it just gets overwhelming being around them all day at work, then again at home.

I hope it gets better once i'm done school and have a different job, and my own place and then I will be happy to visit with him.

BC847

Empty nest syndrome?