Mechanics Dictionary...<br><br> <br>HAMMER - Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. <br><br>MECHANIC'S KNIFE - Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and leather motorcycle jackets. <br><br>ELECTRIC HAND DRILL - Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in race cars just above the brake line that goes to the <br>rear wheels. <br><br>PLIERS - Used to round off bolt heads. <br><br>HACKSAW - One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. <br><br>VISE-GRIPS - Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. <br><br>OXYACETYLENE TORCH - Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. <br><br>WHITWORTH SOCKETS - Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that metric socket you've been searching for over the last 15 minutes. <br><br>DRILL PRESS - A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly ainted <br>part you were drying. <br><br>WIRE WHEEL - Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whirls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, &quot;Ouc....&quot; <br><br>HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK - Used for lowering a race car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. <br><br>EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4 - Used for leverage on a race car or to move it upward and off a hydraulic jack. <br><br>TWEEZERS - A tool for removing wood splinters. <br><br>PHONE - Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. <br><br>SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER - Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. <br><br>E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR - A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. <br><br>TIMING LIGHT - A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease <br>build-up. <br><br>TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST - A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and electrical wires you may have forgotten to disconnect. <br><br>CRAFTSMAN ½ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER - A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. <br><br>BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER - A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. <br><br>AVIATION METAL SNIPS - See hacksaw. <br><br>TROUBLE LIGHT - The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a <br>drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, &quot;the sunshine vitamin,&quot; <br>which is not otherwise found under race cars at night. Health benefits <br>aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about <br>the same rate that cruise missles might be used during, say, <br>the first few hours of the Iraq war. More often dark than light, <br>its name is somewhat misleading. <br><br>PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER - Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. <br><br>AIR COMPRESSOR - A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off. <br><br>PRY BAR - A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. <br><br>HOSE CUTTER - A tool used to cut hoses ½ inch to short<br><br> ??? ;D ??? ;D<br>

 

Sounds like a typical day in my garage! <br><br>Those are great! <br><br>Rich

 

This is an old one but I still got a chuckle out of it. Seems to me that I have owned or tried every one of these tools. Hate to admit it, but have had the &quot;pleasure&quot; of seeing the aformentioned results of working with these tools on more than one occasion. Guess that makes me a slow learner. Specially as some of these tools that I have used have caused me to leave a red fluid on the job I was working on. Ouc..... : :P :-[ :'(

 

Don't forget the Arc welder--used to burn and crisp alternators and bearings. Best results obtained by distant grounding and also urgency of repair. <br>Ed

 

too funny and way too true if you have been in the trade a while......

 

Very well though out,we need a better guitar.)