FATCAT

> Tools Explained
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so
> that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get
to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL:
> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the
speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you
die of old age.
>
> SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
>
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major
> refinishing jobs.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in
your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.
>
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut
on the inside of the line instead of the
> outside edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything
you forgot to disconnect.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying
to hit.
>
> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
>
> ****-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
'****-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will
need.

trksrfun

haha thats clever

bnold

I love the engine hoist!! Funny stuff!

megacabdad

There is nothing funnier than the truth.