Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last West
Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not
sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We
haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only
rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second
time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it
is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated,
he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down! There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

describes East Texas perfectly!

LOL! ROTFLMAO!!!!

I was going to send you twenty dollars for bus fare but I already sealed the envelope.

Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety.
(wait for it. It's worth it)...
After Tweety is caught, scroll down...

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http://img242.imageshack.us/img242/9038/image002qf1.gif
This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?

0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 secon ds - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway. So why bother?
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - Good afternoon Jessica Simpson
5 min -1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1 hr plus - Congratulations. You have a negative IQ.
To find out what your prize is, watch bugs until he finishes his carrot...

HEY, DON'T BLAME ME...YOU KNOW SYLVESTER NEVER CATCHES TWEETY.

New Scientific Development
 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. [coffee]

better snopes that one...

Dave?

The Hair Dryer

An attractive young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course, what may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over
the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway
you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare"

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.

He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I've just killed the old cow.

The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.

LOL!!!

An old but funny one from e-mail!!!

Bill & Hillary at the Ball Game



Bill and Hillary are at the New York Yankee’s season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head no.

The agent then says, Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy.

Bill hesitates.……….
but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, O-Kay!
If that is what the people want.

Come here Hilly baby.

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, & screaming, I'll kill you! You dirty Rotten **/!%*$%**!!!..

The crowd goes absolutely wild.

Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what’s wrong.

The agent replies, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first “Pitch”.

For Those Who Remember Abbot and Bud
 

True or not, it's funny..........

When Grandma Goes To Court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

LOL! NEVER ask a question you aren't pretty darn sure of the answer to!

Roping a deer



Names have been removed to protect the stupid! Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then
hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it.



After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance.


That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back
slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now)
tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you
with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a
different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.
I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead
is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so
that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

ROTFLMAO!!!

I darn near believe you actually tried this... but I know better...






RIGHT?