Well i got a new job and im moving to be with my wife, WHO started to divorce me and now doesnt know what to do and here i am moving to try and SAVE the marriage, FUnny thing being the lack of me moving when we were married is probably what pushed her over the edge!!!! So all pray for not me but men, I think we could be in trouble if im whats in our future haha

 

Oh WOW! Well, I hope you are able to convince her that she should take you back. However from the tone of your comment there has to be something else that's causing strife.

I discovered a few years back that there ARE more important things that money and material wealth. A good wife and good friends will sustain you when times are hard.

Good luck.

Edwin

 

well the strifes now are her not knowing what to do, were married still.... she doesnt know to come back or stay because her mother is very very opinionated and controling ( she has a daughter that isnt mine) and threatens to take her away if she doesnt stay away. I dont know how shell do that but yea, her reason is its too hard on a toddler driving a hour a day to go to day care which could be true i dont know never had one



I hope your right on the more important than wealth, I gave up a job paying 14 a hour ( the one i quit,) and passed on one paying 19 ( it was a night time job so id never see her) for one paying 12.5 If her mom can still say he doesnt love you wow

 

It kind of sounds like my first marriage. She was older and had a kid and a harpy for a mother. I had bad juju from the start. Luckily I got out of that one with my sanity and the one I have now is a real keeper. She even loves my noisy stinky truck.

If you can't keep the MIL out of the arguments it might be time to reasses whether you're married to your wife or to her mother. It really sounds like the MIL is trying to break you up with her harping on first one thing and then another. What caused her to break up with the kids father?

I really don't know how to advize you on this. My life was really messed up at several points but I finally was able to figure out what's important. Ultimately the decision is yours and hers. Men and women are usually better off together but not always.

What is the attitude re: the kid? DO you regard the kid as yours or his? Does she? Is he still in the picture via child support and visitation? These are all points of friction. How old are you, her, the kid?

Marrying into a ready made family requires a special kind of love and understanding. You need to be able to treat that kid as if it was your DNA and at the same time be able to accept that there is another man in the picture.

Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss this further since these things may be a bit to sensitive for a public forum.

Edwin

 

Thats where the fun begins, Father ditched when she was pregnant, never paid support, We got married and I told her the only way i wanted this is if we could eventually be a family ( mom dad what not) we were both all for it

as time went on ( course of meh 4 months, her mother got her to pull away from the whole me adopting emma ( the child) I love her as my own, well i think since i dont have any but i do love her. Then, at the start of the divorce one of my "gifts" was i found the dad, so we brought him back into the picture so emma could know him and what not and wow whata jerknut, wish i didnt do that, For a while she wanted to see if anything was there and who am i to stand in the way of that? the "real" family as opposed to step dad. She turned two in april, her dad saw her once when she was 9 months and then not till now, then he came down 3 times ( i had to pick his bumb drugged butt up once because he lost his lisense, thats akward) being i never met him and emma called me dad haha. Anyway. last time he saw her was her birthday. Which he got her nothing. Even forgot it was her birthday, Father of the year award here we come. THis is what i believe still has me around in the mothers eyes. LIke it was said it takes a special love to love like you need and i think shes starting to see that i wasnt trying to take her away from her family ( mother and what not) but i just wanted us to have our own.


Anyway, So eventually thats what caused the slip i got upset that she got me and my family all exciteded about being part of emmas life and then took her away from us. Was I in the right to get mad about something like that? i dont know. Before we got married i said i would move to where she goes to school and her family lives ( only a hour from where i lived so no biggie) But edidnt think i could find a job so just always watched the paper and kept mine since i had tons of overtime to pay for all my and now our bills as she didnt work.


But when things started going good i decided to apply and move, got the jobs, just got the house tonight, but i applied when we were reconsiling and now she doesnt know what to do. Hense my um seeming less that 100% on board with this whole thing.

 

Yep! Sounds like MIL meddling. Your wife is going to have to decide between you and her mother. That's a tough decision to make. You sound like you have a good heart and you should make a good father.

Hang in there and just love them and try to understand that her mind won't be changed overnight. Don't argue about who loves who more or other silly crap. Just state your position and be firm about it but no more. If she's got any smarts about her and truly loves you then she'll choose right but if she doesn't then perhaps you'll be better off to go your separate ways until she decides to be her own person and stop mom from meddling.

Don't argue any of this with her. Just try to be with her and love her and the kid. Don't say bad things about her mother because she'll have to defend her. Just nod your head and go on with what you want to do. You can disagree without being disagreeable. Whatever you do, don't prove you can be as big and a------ as her mother. Just grin and bear it and things will get better. If mom starts calling you names then you should go out back for a smoke but don't fight back. You'll only escalate the fight. It takes two to have an argument I've found and MIL's can be real dirty fighters but if you don't play the game of arguing and name calling, in the end you come out on top because you want your wife to defend YOUR honor and not the other way around.

Edwin

 

Well, guess my head is better to listen too than the heart, Sometimes i need a good So here i quit my job, good job, i was getting sick of it but it was good for yet another job closer to my wife , soon to be ex. maybe just seperated type wife, Everything is going great. She suprised me at work with a card for a 5 month ( yeah month we got the divorce going on after month 3) Saying something i wish we could go back and take back but we cant but everything will be fine and i will always love you type things. Then got another letter on mothersday when i took her out saying pretty much the same thing. In Casual conversation she said she wished she could take back the divorce. and try a seperation. SOOOO i give her a reply to her letter on monthersday since she wanted one. Which basically said hey hun Love you i agree things are gonna be fine yada yada, we could reconsile the divorce do a seperation thing with counsoling ( she wants to get divorced get premarital counsoling and get re married.... so she said) Then i got a email tonight nate your not gonna like this yada yada i dont see it working i wish it could i really want it too but i dont see my family liking you again and i need them to love who im with they shouldnt ahve to just " get use to it" its not the way its soposed to be. Crap, NOW she could have told me this this mroning before i had a new house and everything rented She waited until i put down a deposit and everything for this to happen. So now i got a leased house ina town I particually dont care to live in at a job paying $1 less per hour than before. WHO HOO im the genious here. Now im sure there are other people that have done more ridiculous things for love and what not but i cant help but feel like a fool. I gave up what could be a good relationship for her too. ( met a girl that was interested i told her no my ex wife and I are gonna try to work things out and now wont talk to me at all) So im what they call up the creek without a paddle i guess. LIve and learn? I have no clue what to do here

 

In my opinion (and you know what they're worth) I'd say ditch it and move on. I've been through that cold-warm-cold stuff for some years myself and it was really ugly. Necessarily hindsight is 20/20 but since you've just got one life I would not waste it on this situation.
My ex would say the same things about always loving me etc, but I think that this could not have been true love, maybe I'm doing her injustice now but I think that until we met she had never known true love, so, no surprise it wasn't there between us. (Then I did mistake it for true love but.... some years later I got to know my wife... if there's more to love than what I've got now I think I would melt through to earth's core just from the heat)
I do also think that you do not really love her- you like her and you do like her kid too. (That's something I read between the lines maybe I'm wrong there)

Just my 2c

AlpineRAM

 

My mother always told me that if I plan to marry a girl, I need to make sure her family likes me, because it causes more problems than anything.

IMHO, if her mother hates you, you have little chance because you are competing with the person that raised her. And if the mother is that bad how do you know she won't go nuts on you after you have seemed to work things out. It seems as though she wants to be with you, but her mom doesn't. Thats not fair to either of you, but if she picks you over her mom she might resent you for it. This is a crappy situation to be put in. You try to do what you think is right and you're the only one that knows it. Best of luck.

 

ditch her, she is not worth the hassel. i know you feel a attachment to the child and i sound harsh. but i promise you, you are better off without her.

 

Im thinking i might have to agree with what everyone has said here except this lil tid bit here. Of course an outside perspective? i dunno.
She did say the other day she wanted to go into the national guard, of course she doesnt think shes gonna get sent off anywhere ( iraq or now the mexico border haha) but i had to college roomates that got sent inot that and they are only in the national guard SOOOO it might come back to kick her in the pants but i kinda incoraged it today, went and saw her stupid me, she didnt even want to admit she sent the letter haha, then finally it all blew over a song..... anyway I figured ifi can get her away for 6 weeks (basic) then it would give us time to sort out and maybe after a few months of not seeing her i can move on if its not that true love thats meant to be. So we shall see. Thanks for the outside perspectives. been a while since the form was usefull ( when i traded the old truck on the new one i quit worring about mods haha)

 

Sadly to say buddy........no matter how hard you try and no matter what you do or how you change.....the family is still going to be a controlling factor in her life. She is always going to make decisions based on what her family tells her to do, and never on what she wants or what you want.

Some people are just that way, they let other people control their lives just to make them happy. Sadly in your case it sounds like your wife is pretty much going to give in on every single thing her mom has to say. And trust me, with that bit of knowledge right there, I can assure you it will not get better AT ALL until she learns to live her own life.

Granted this is all your guys' decision and I don't want to try to influence you one way or another, but I just want this to be something to think about.

Don't let the daughter be the only thing keeping you holding on....I know you love the daughter and want her to be your own......but if the mother can't decided on what she wants and basically said that her family will always come first before you......it is not worth it!!!! I hate to say that but it's not!! And not only that, but it is not fair to the daughter to keep coming in and out of her life because her mom can't make a decision of her own.

My ex-wife was somewhat the same way......but she didn't let them control her as bad as it seems with yours. She just could not make up her mind on anything and it was an emotional rollocoster for the longest time. I loved my wife to death.....but it just got to the point where love wasn't enough for putting up with all the heartache that came with it. And I finally got the point where the only reason I was even trying to make the marriage work was because of my kid. I couldn't stand to not see him everyday and not be able to be there for him. But it I finally realized that having that as my only reason to stay married just was not worth it.......I got to the point where I didn't like myself because I was so unhappy and I got the point where I now HATE my ex-wife. Trust me man, it is not worth the struggle if she is not willing to change also to make things work.

She is trying to get you to change to what she wants and what her family wants........why should you change you??? You are the person you want to be, if you change yourself just to please her you will end up just as unhappy and miserable as I was. You could go through years and years of her constantly changing her mind.......ok this is what I want...........well things just aren't working.......ok well lets try again.........I'm sorry I can't do this...... Just sit back and think about if you are ready to go through that pain for who knows how long.......I sure didn't want to!!!!

Also another thing............if you guys do decide to attempt to work things out and try to remain married...............DO NOT ADOPT THAT LITTLE GIRL!!!!!!! You will be cutting your own throat. With as bad as the mother is with changing her mind........things could go great for a couple years......she changes her mind and divorces you and you are stuck paying child support till that little girl is 19 years old for a kid that is not "technically" yours and that you will hardly ever get to see...............Please do not do that to yourself!!!

I got smart and divorced my wife and I have never been so happy in my life. I found my dream girl that I have been dating for awhile now and everything is great. Granted I have to pay $600 a month in child support to my ex, but in my eyes is was totally worth every penny to have my happiness.

Just think about it long and hard man.........hopefully it will open your eyes. Sometimes love is just not enough, I love my wife so much but it just wasn't enough......your happiness is more important than love!

I wish you the best of luck!!


~Nick

 

You need to re-read this.
This is the best advice. In your situation your wife is too controlled by her mother to ever let herself just be happy with you no matter what her mom thinks. Sucks that a child got caught in the middle.

 

I have read through all of this and it seems this kind of thing goes on too much. My first wife was exactly like this woman. I even met her when she was pregnant and we dated on and off for a long time (when it was con. for her)She had the baby. Her mother and babies father interfered at every given chance. It was HELL. We finally got married (stupid me). To make a longstory short we had a son of our own and she up and left with a friend of mine, and took the stepson I had raised as my own since birth and left our son with me. So there I sat raising a 4month old on my own at 21. We went back and forth with the I want to come back crap and it never happened. It took a long time to figure out that I and my son were better off without her. She ended up having 2 more kids with this guy and is on welfare. Yes it was hard to let go but looking back it was the best thing that could have ever happened. I have been married to my current wife for 7 years as of this last Apr. I met her when my son was 3 and he is now 12 and I could not ask for a better, happier family life. My ex would call every now and then demanding to see the kid, and have my son crying because she would bad mouth my current wife, as he calls mama. Thankfully we havent heard from her since last Sept. Sorry to ramble, but my point is just move on. It may not be easy, but I am almost sure you will thank yourself in the end.


Mike

 

See this here is just like looking into my future. i myself am 22. 21 when we got married. weve done the wanting a kid thing, and maybe its a blessing in disquise it hasnt worked...... Also could lead to other problems on my half of trying for some 7 months and nothing happenes? oh well Anyway. I want to thank you guys. Sometimes it takes someone completly out of the cirlce ( either of our families, friends what not) to show the light on what needs to be done for the betterment of ourselfs. Ill miss her, still cant quite go a day without a text message or a phone call.........YET. but i made it through a work day today. maybe tomorrow ill make it till i get home. Then till i go to bed, and hopefully not at all. Only problem is that there could be hope? Heres how everything went down for a recap. Met in october 05 married december 05 until march 06, still married, just jumpin back and forth

I can agree by a long shot married WAY to fast. Thought it sounded good and we did it. but weve said some pretty hurtfull things, gone a week without talking but seem to find eachother without trying. Weve never had the ok i wanna come back talks or anything like that. just end up hanging out sometime. meet at the bar, life is good. Today life is " ok" some reason she texted me. and it was all fine, even asked me out saturday night. I reluctantly said yes. Who knows maybe well do the talk to the parents thing.

Its not that her mom hates me ( i hope) its that she hates what we did, as my mom does, but atleast mines not yelling at me for trying to make it work haha I work on her dads truck all the time ( im a over the road diesel mech hes a driver, kinda goes like bread and butter) and yeah thats that. Sisters still "love" me as i joke around with them all the time. Just the mother i gotta figure out haha


As for adoption, heck no. I will someday if it was all good but maybe when shes 5, as for my own kid? I have no idea how custody works, but id imagine you get a guy that owns his own business at 22, has a stedy job on the side ( no banks for my business everything it makes goes right back into it) Steady family and income VS a girl who has no college degrees, lives at home with her parents, depends on them for money as she has no job and is on some student welfare program. Im thinkin id win? maybe not