Dieseldude4x4

SO, this horse walks into the local pub and sits down at the bar.<br>The bar tender walks up and says &quot;why the long face mister&quot;.<br><br>Get it?<br><br>Why the long fa,,,,,, ah never mind. Guess ya had to be there.<br><br>Geez, I crack myself up.<br><br>top: you didn't hide the happy pills vry well.<br>

TPilaske

So this guy goes into the bar and says &quot;bartender, give me a drink and everyone else a round and yourself one too!&quot; Bartender says &quot;thanks mister, that's aweful nice of you!&quot; Guy finishes his drink, says &quot;bartender, give me a drink and everyone else a round and yourself one too!&quot; Bartender says &quot;you haven't paid me for the last drinks yet!&quot; guy says &quot;I don't have any money!&quot; So the bartender throws him out in the alley and tells him not too come in there anymore. The guy get's up and says &quot;bartender, give me a drink and buy everyone else a round too, but none for you, you get angry when you drink!&quot;

tileman

I found this one <br><br><br>Wrong Number<br>Phone Won't Stop Ringing?<br>Here's What You Do<br>Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.<br><br>The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.<br><br>From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.<br><br>Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.<br><br>The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.<br><br>At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, &quot;No problem. How many nights?&quot;<br><br>A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. &quot;No, that won't be necessary,&quot; Leola said. &quot;We trust you.&quot;<br><br>The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.<br><br>She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.<br><br>Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.<br><br>Once again Leola was helpful. &quot;There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers.&quot;<br><br>Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.<br><br>Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, &quot;We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel.&quot;<br><br>Leola replied. &quot;We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number.&quot;<br><br><br><br>

NWDave

Hey Gonzo, my buddy want's to chat with you.

cr1998

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about the new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, &quot;I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.&quot;

turboblue

Hope no one has been in this situatuion <br><br>A woman was in bed with her lover, when she heard her husband opening the front door. &quot;Hurry!&quot; she said, &quot;Stand in the corner.&quot; She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. &quot;Don't move until I tell you to,&quot; she whispered.&quot; Just pretend you're a statue.&quot; <br>&quot;What's this, honey?&quot; the husband inquired as he entered the room. <br>&quot;Oh, it's just a statue,&quot; she replied nonchalantly. &quot;The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.&quot; <br>No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. <br>Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. <br>&quot;Here,&quot; he said to the &quot;statue,&quot; &quot;Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.&quot; <br><br>

DeaconWayne

A woman is in bed with her lover in the middle of the day when her 8 year old son comes home. She doesn't know it and the boy, being the pervert he is, slips in and hides in her bedroom closet so he can watch. A little while later, her husband comes home and she takes her lover and, not knowing her son is there, hides him in the closet, too. The boy turns to the lover and says, &quot;It's dark in here&quot; The lover sayd, &quot;Sure is.&quot; The boy says, &quot;I've got a baseball.&quot; The lover says, &quot;That's nice.&quot; The boy says, &quot;Wanna buy it?&quot; The lover says &quot;No thanks.&quot; The boys says, &quot;My dad just got home.&quot; The lover asks, &quot;How much?&quot; The boy says &quot;$300.&quot; The lover says, &quot;Fine.&quot; A few weeks later, the same situation occurs - the woman and her lover are there in the middle of the afternoon and the son comes home and hides in the closet. A little while later, her husband comes home from work early so she hides her lover in the closet again. The boy looks at the lover and says, &quot;It's dark in here.&quot; The lover replies, &quot;Sure is.&quot; The boy says &quot;I have a baseball glove.&quot; The lover, remembering the last time, asks, &quot;How much?&quot; The boy says, &quot;$700.&quot; The lover says, &quot;Fine.&quot; About two weeks later, the boys dad comes in and suggests that he and the boy go out and throw the ball around for a while. The boy says, &quot;I can't.&quot; Dad says, &quot;Why not?&quot; &quot;I sold my ball and glove&quot;, says the boy. Dad asked, &quot;How much did you get for them?&quot; &quot;$1000&quot;, replied the boy. &quot;That's not right&quot;, said the boy's dad. &quot;You shouldn't take advantage of your friends like that. I'm taking you to church so you can confess your sin.&quot; He gets the boy to the confessional and puts him in and closes the door. The boy says, &quot;It's dark in here.&quot; The priest says, &quot;Don't start that crap again.&quot;