Thanks for all the words of support and advice.


I went down there, and I spent the weekend with my mom, whom I hadn't seen in 7-8 years. She's in a rehab center and being thrown out by Dec 24. Nice x-mas eve present, huh ?

She's maxed her ability to recover (she's not recovered, nor do I think ever will) as the hip break she went though, and the trauma following it, has severely shortened her life. I have to spend the next 5 days figuring out how to get her back here, some 9 hour away in NJ, so that I can spend the remaining time of her life visiting her in a local convalescent home.


My brother was readmitted to the hospital after being sent home by his request to die at home. The pain was too great, and he was rushed back to the hospital and he's feeling better, although no one can estimate his immediate fate, other than eventually the cancer will take him. His wife and I re-united and following his wishes, I gave my regards and love, and was told to not visit, as he wants NO VISITORS. This I completely understand. I'm not taking it personally, as my other brother drove all the way down there as well, and was also turned away. It must not be good, as I can only imagine.

Not a very fun or enjoyable weekend, but at least I made the effort, and found out for myself what the real story was going on about my mom.

Off to my quest to get the old lady back here. Thanks again...

 

If it were me, I would go to the hospital with my other brother and just go into the room. If he wants you to leave go up to him, hold each side of his face and tell him your sorry and that you have always loved him, kiss him and say goodbye. Give him that gift before he leaves. Humans want and need love, it's in our nature whether you believe it or not. I firmly believe that it will bring comfort to him even if he does not show it.

Anyway, that's what I would do. I wish you the best.

 

The only thing I know to say is make peace with him for your sake, whether he accepts it or not is up to him. You need to be at peace with yourself. Whether that means stopping by to visit, or writing a letter, do what you have to do so that you will be at peace. Good luck, sending prayers your way.

 

^^ This!
My dad did not want any visitors in his last days (we were close, it was not a feud thing) and I opted to keep working until I got the news rather than jump in the truck and make the trip to see him one last time, because we both were "tough" I guess.
I don't beat myself up over it, but I do regret it.

 

Well,

He'll have another opportunity to see me next week, as I'm traveling back down there. Hopefully, he changes his mind, but ultimately, I'm going to respect his wishes, whatever they may be. I wouldn't want someone to force themselves upon me, if I was in that situation, nor would I do the same to them.



I guess it just comes down to who's desires or wants are more important.

 

My mother has always been very distant to her family. As kids we only visited her family a couple of times. I didn't find out that her parents had passed until months after it happened. Using FaceBook this year, I have met several of my cousins and one aunt from her side of our family. Last week, I heard thru them, that her last living brother had suffered a massive stroke and it wasn't looking good. I decided to tell her about it and she pretty much just asked me why I was bothering her with that. Saturday at 3PM, he passed away. I haven't told her yet because I really don't think she wants to know or would even care. She certainly wouldn't attend his funeral. I wished I could have got to know my uncle. It was said that me and him looked like identical twins. The only thing I've ever been told, is after he broke away from his family, he got in an 18 wheeler, hit the road, and was never seen again. I would really like to meet some of my cousins and other relatives someday. I have asked my aunt that I found on FB, which is the ex-wife of the uncle that just passed away, if she knew why my mother is the way she is and she said that she did but she would not tell me or talk about it. My mother was also upset the day we "bothered" her by making her come to my grandsons first birthday. We didn't know if he would live to be one day old and it was a really big moment for us to reach this day. I almost had to make her leave because she would not stop saying rude things to everyone there. Life is too too short and important for all of this stuff. Someday, somehow, I would like to find a way to end it all. I would say, if you had a chance to put even some of the bad past away, do it now. You may not get another chance.

 

Wow.... must be related to my mother.....


I'm good with whatever way this comes to be. I've made my peace with him by delivering my thoughts, feelings and thanks in a letter to him, and showing up at his home / hospital. If he decides that's enough to do as you say, then awesome and I'm there. If not, then I guess that's the way it's going to be.

 

If your good with it either way then why come on here to ask others opinions? Just to see what they would say?

 

I have not read through all the posts... forgive me if I hit an area already covered...

To put it from the sufferer: I'm already bitter that I'm dying. If I don't want you in my life and make it known, that's it.

I hate to sound cruel, but if you weren't friends in good times, you're not going to be on good terms in bad. I have a sister that I have not talked to for the past 10 years or so, if I were dying, I would not want her around me.

You did your part, you tried. If he does not want anything to do with you in your final hours, respect his wishes.

I'm not faulting you or trying to say anything negative, I have not spoken to my sister in years because of stupid stuff... I understand holding a grudge, and some times it is legit.

Use this as a time of reflection: maybe there is someone else you care about that you are cross with- take the time now to try to make it right.

I'm sorry about your brother, and pray for your comfort. I know these are hard times, I've been there myself.

Good luck on your trip, be safe. I'm always here if you need an ear.

mad

 

Did you or did you not just answer your own question ?

Usually, when you ask someone, or a group a question of what they would do if they were in a situation, then you hopefully can "Objectively" review their answers, to see if it makes any sense to you or difference in your viewpoint..... that's what this forum is here for, no ? Other people have lived through similar situations, and can share their experiences. By being open minded enough to review and analyze their thoughts as they're conveyed through words, you essentially take a small amount from each person's reply and either confirm or deny your own thoughts, inhibitions, or desires.

My mind wasn't made up, nor is it closed as you imply. If my brother is willing to welcome me, then my invitation or attempt was worth the time. If he doesn't, then it's also worth the time as I made it known to him that I appreciated him for the things in life he did for me in the past, and I'll abide by his final wishes out of respect for him, and forgo my own selfishness. Neither of us made any attempt in the past to connect, so we're both at fault for the loss of a decade of communication.

 

Thank you .

You're not sounding cruel to me in any fashion. You're just being honest, and it's genuinely appreciated.

I'm not taking anything anyone is saying as being negative or faulting. There are too many "variables" in any story, post, anecdote or information posted on a web forum for full and complete understanding, and I completely understand that.

I never was really "cross" with him, or his wife. Sometimes you just get sort of tired of the difficulty (aka: BS) with keeping relationships afloat, when generally they are one sided more than not. I welcome friendships with those around me when it's reciprocal, but I tend to avoid or stray from those who act like a one way sign, and those who live without empathy or concern for others wants, needs or requirements for a healthy partnership.

Personally, I'm the type of neighbor or friend who goes out of their way for those around me. That will last for awhile, but not forever. I have an unenviable trait in my personality that consistently allows me to be disappointed by those I interact with. I expect of others what I would do for them. Unfortunately for me, I'm let down quite a bit.


Again.... thank you for your kind and truthful words.

 

Or mine.

It's quite an adjustment after years of the few friends you have using you, finding friends who would give you the shirt off their backs. Figuratively that is.

 

You stated your brother did not want to see you, you ask for opinions then stated your going to respect his wish's knowing full well your mind was already made up. Looks to me like you just want to justify your predisposed position.

Whatever...

 

My mind was made up ? How do you figure that, or is this some ill attempt at making assumptions that you, nor anyone else could possible confirm ? I asked a question about the status of others and if they thought that when, or if they were dying would they be interested or willing to reconcile or forgive before they passed. I can only assume that most people have the ability to empathize with this particular scenario.

You, on the other hand, are attempting to make some kind of derogatory assumption about my character that, without personally knowing me, you wouldn't, nor couldn't possibly have the knowledge of doing so. You obviously have some issues that you need to contend with of your own.

 

Thanks for the psychology lesson .05. I don't know you nor pretend to know you or anything about you. Simply formed my opinion on your statements. While it may sound callous to you it is simply what I see in your words, nothing more nothing less.

I am sorry about your brother and applaud your recognition and acknowledgement of your responsibility in not contacting your brother over the last ten years. You apparently feel a degree of guilt over the lack of communication between you two. The realization of stage 4 cancer in ones life changes a lot of things including ones ability to rationally deal with the ever changing tide of emotions that accompany such finalization of ones life. In essence he is stuck in the proverbial pity pot because of his condition, ( understandably so). Therefore The reason I stated my original opinion. I honestly think you are afraid to see him, once again understandably so. That is why I stated what I did in my last post, not to degrade you but challenge you. I think we can all agree that we all sometimes say one thing when in essence we really mean something else.

I honestly wish you and your brother the best.