A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat.... she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket
not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a
stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy
replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the
cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
Whenthe cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge
is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are
backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop
gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

My brother worked on a garbage truck for awhile, he loved the job! Union work, great pay and benefits and was usually home by noon his full day done.

One morning he was out slinging bags into the back of the truck when this lady came running down the street toward him, with a garbage bag in each hand. She was wearing a pink robe, her hair was in curlers and she had on a pair of those pink fuzzy slippers A real site to behold

Anyway, she was hollering out "Am I too late for the garbage!"?

My brother told her, "Heck No lady.....Jump right in!"

Needless to say his wit was not found as charming by her as it was by his fellow workers He didn't last much longer after that, he just couldn't keep his mouth shut when such opportunities arose.

Warning: Women in curlers and funny pink fuzzy slippers, are not known for their sense of humor, early in the morning! Avoid them if possible!

 

 

Years ago I was at a Staff BBQ. One of the guys I worked with was a know it all power tripper.

Theres all these steaks on the massive BBQ and all are the same except one.
He knew I liked steak but being the smart butt he was/is he spit on the big steak and looks at me and says; "That one is mine." So I spat on the steak too and said; "You can have it."



Hey what happened to my *** ? I never typed the bad word and it was supposed to say...
Smart Guy

Yeah YEAH THATS IT.

 

Good one Scotty!

 

This one will probably be edited.

[Yep, your right].

 

 

aww come on it wasn't that bad

 

Nope, but the [Yep, your right]. is YET another perfect come back...

Chris

 

 

that last one was used on the blue collar thing.

 

It was a day where the temps were in the high 90's. We were installing a water main in a new development and it was time to take a break and go sit in the shade for a few.
We were all sitting there having a cold drink when the boss showed up and said "how come you guys aren't working"
To which I replied"we didn't see you coming"
Apparently he didn't find it as humorous as we did.

Rich

 

I was shopping with the wife at the local Safeway when I noticed a really cute produce gal checking me out as she was stacking oranges on the store display.

I casually walked over and said,"Those are some really nice peaches you have there."

With an orange in her hand she said,"These are oranges."

I said"Yes I know"

She turned beet red I smiled and winked and walked off.

 

About 20 years ago while stationed out in San Angelo, we were told to work on Saturday, but that we could show up in civilian clothes. I had on my levi's and sweatshirt and my stomach stuck out a little (nothing like it does now). One of our female sergeants was sitting at my desk talking while I was printing some document. She was within the AF weight limits, but just barely. She reached up and patted my stomach and asked, "So, Wayne, when's it due?" I didn't think. I don't know where the reply came from, it just came out, "Oh, probably about the same time yours is."

She wouldn't talk to me for a week.

The next time someone asks you, "Can I ask a stupid question?", there are three replies:

a. Again??
b. You Just Did!!
c. Better than anyone else I know!

DW

 

People calling cell 911 always say "I'm sorry, I don't have an emergency, but I'm on my cell.... can you give me the non-emergency number?" Tell them 555-1212, then they give a polite thank you. Would love to see their face when they first realize what just happened.

Also get calls from idiots wondering what the tie-up is or when we're gonna get out there. I always tell them I'm too busy answering improper 911 calls to dispatch emergency vehicles.

Then there's the callers that are reporting an accident.." Are you able to check on injuries?" "No I was just driving by." " Anybody moving around the vehicle?" "Yes, some cars have stopped and some people are on cell phones." "OK, let's clear the line so they can tell me if they need an ambulance."