THE ITALIAN SECRET FOR A LONG MARRIAGE

At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest
asked Giuseppe,who was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight
into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years..

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,

'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th
anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here!

Please tell us what you are planning for your
wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied,
'I'm agonna go get her.'

 

I got combat training from overseas
Now I’m the bouncer at the Chucky Cheese
I think I’d rather do a year in jail
Than another afternoon
In Chucky Cheese Hell

Chucky Cheese Hell
I’m in Chucky CHEEEEEEESE HELL!
We cater to a snot nose clientele
In Chucky Cheese Hell

Mama drives Chipper to the Chucky Mall
Watches him wallor in some plastic *****
The band sucks and the pizza’s cold
And you eat it with a slobberin’ four year old
In Chucky Cheese Hell

Puke with pepperoni still smells the same
You waste a paycheck on a video game
Lined up out the door like The Stones are in town
There ain’t enough Chucky *** whippin’s
To go round

In Chucky Cheese Hell
I’m in Chucky CHEEEEEEEESE HELL!
Squallin’ youngins and a skee ball bell
In Chucky Cheese Hell

I did two tours of duty in Vietnam
Fightin’ jungle rot and braving napalm
But they couldn’t torture me half as well
As them little birthday $@*#*@*$!
In Chucky Cheese Hell

Chucky Cheese Hell
I’m in CHUCKY CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE HELL!!
Ow Wo Wo

 

Brand new edition of ‘You know you're a redneck when’:

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

 

3 not mine but the neighbors
9 there good **** out there people are wasteful
13 the dog showers there too
16 4 on roof 2 back seet 2 sideways in trunk with lid bungie down 1 in passenger seat total 9.....been there done that
17 i do on the lawn mower
28 i did in the wall mart (**** mosquito bites)

 

As long as it was a new one...

 

The economy is so bad…

1. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

2. Gold diggers are marrying for love.

3. Even people who were not hired by the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

4. Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

5. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.

6. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

7. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

8. A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

9. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

10. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

11. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

12. Mothers in Bangladesh are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the U.S.?"

13. Motel Six won't leave the light on.

14. The Mafia is laying off judges.

15. And finally ... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, neat.... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $3 trillion disappear.

 

Ain't THAT the truth!

 

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(Your gotta love this)


The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

 

Purina weight loss diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for Roscoe, our hunting dog, and was standing in line at Wal-Mart getting ready to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was “where’s your sign lady” but decided to go with it…SO…On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Weight Loss Diet again.

I said I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital the last time. But that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is; you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete… so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least.

Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s rear and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

She got upset. Made a complaint. WAL-MART asked me not to shop there anymore. It was worth it.

 

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits tha t this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

^ and ^^ made me giggle!

 

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

2. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.'

3. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

4. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

5. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

6. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

7. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?'

8. 'Warning! You want a warning? OK. I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

9. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

10. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

11. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

12. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

13. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

14. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

15. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

 

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it. Caution... *They Walk Among Us and They Vote! *


===================
One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
"Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said...
"Where???"
*They Walk among us and they Vote!!*


===================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
real estate agent which direction was north because,
he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every
morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east,
and has for sometime.
She shook her head and said,
"Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

*They Walk Among Us and They Vote!!*


===================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked
what hours the call center was open. I told him,
"The number you dialed is open
24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded,
"Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" .
*They Walk Among Us and They Vote!!!*


===================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in the cafeteria,
when we overheard one of the administrative assistants
talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to
the shore.
She drove down in a convertible, but
"didn't think she'd get sunburned because
the car was moving".

*They Walk Among Us and They Vote!!!!*


===================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets
trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk...
*They Walk Among Us and They Vote!!!!!*


===================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed
that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10%
and gave us a 20% discount on both....
*They Walk Among Us and They Vote!!!!!!*


===================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.
So I went to the lost luggage office and told the
woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was
a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me,
"Has your plane arrived yet?"...

*They Walk Among Us and They Vote!!!!!!!!*


===================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him
if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces;
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
*Yep,

THEY Walk Among Us, and,
Dear Me, They Vote too !!!!!!!!*

 

What do clouds and women have in common?















When they leave, you have a nice day.

 

this happened where i work the sucker looked an i mean looked for that bird for two an ahalf hours before he cought on ...i dont walk with em i work with em