Commatoze

My father-in-law (Pop to me) turned 84 yesterday. He's suffering from end stage kidney disease, and had just started into the 2nd week of dialysis. His mind is still as sharp as a tack, and he is a superb craftsman with hands as steady as any surgeon. He announced to us yesterday that he didn't want any more of dialysis, hates it, and requested to be transferred to a hospice to wait for the end. His wishes were carried out this morning, and he now awaits the inevitable. I'm having a hard time accepting this voluntary "death row" he's put himself on. Other than a bad back and kidneys, the doctors say he's in pretty good shape for 84. But without dialysis, his days are numbered. He's perfectly happy with his decision, and relieved that he is where he is. Was wondering if anyone else here experienced this with a loved one and how they coped with their decision to just stop living? -Tom-

Geico266

That is tough, but he has the choice and you and your wife should try to accept it. As tough as it is to deal with, it is his decision and his final wishes. Sit down with him right away and have a long talk about his decision, and ask him pointed and very specific questions. I think you'll gain alot of insite into his decision from the talk. He has made up his mind it is time to move on. Pop is showing you (and your family) how to live life to the fullest, and how to leave with dignity.

DmaxEter

Well put. I am younger than most guys here, but I have come to the understanding that elders have learned things about life that only age and time can teach. Our parents pass away and that makes it easier for us when our time comes, knowing that we will be together again. I would respect his decision and learn from it. Talk to him and ask why. He may not be able to tell you why but time I bet will. I am sorry to hear about his health problems, but one day we could all be so lucky to leave this planet and move on to bigger and better places.

Geico266

Well put.

Scotty

Had a close relative that did very similar.
His daughter wanted him to have a feeding tube and all sorts of other stuff.
All he wanted to do was pass with dignity and support. He was totally coherent, mobile and doing ok but sliding with his ailment. He did not want to prolong it or be a burden.
She finally realized her idea about him staying longer was more of a selfish one then one of support for him and his wishes.

I know my mother has the mindset that if she gets ill or needs to be attending to something like this all the time, she does not want to endure it for long and wishes that our family will respect her wish.

Support him.

Scotty

runamuk

There comes a time when you are ready to meet your maker.

Sometimes it takes more guts to just say no to more treatments.

At which point all you can do is tell them how much you love them and help them to make any final arraingments/requests.

My sincere condolences.

Rick

MedicShawn

The simple answer is that as we get older we have less and less control over our own lives. First we can't drive, than we can't live alone or take care of ourselves, cook for ourselves etc. He may be looking at it as one of his last opportunities to make a choice.

He may also be looking at it that if he can't do certain things he always did hunt fish etc it may not be worth it to him.

I have worked in the medical field for ten years and currently work as a Paramedic. I'm fairly familiar with making life or death decisions. It's never easy, especially under stressful decisions. But I do believe that people have the right to make that decision. If they do make that decision I respect their decision wether I agree or not it is their right.

redfarm

I have a relative that needed to start dialisis<sp> and he delayed the start of it with the same reasoning. Then he finally started going and things are going well for him now but there were complications from the delay that were just another brick on the load after he decided to start. He has been on the machine for several years now and is much better.When he began treatment he hated it as well but now he doesn't seem to mind as much,and has made many friends at the treatment center and other lifestyle adjustments have improved his health greatly.My cousin is younger than your FIL but if he is otherwise healthy he really ought to look into it as an option.If you are interested I could get his phone # or e-mail perhaps they could work through this together if that would help.I am undecided on my feelings on the death with dignity thing. But I mainly believe that each day is a gift. Perhaps his experiance and my cousins are dramaticly different but perhaps just talking to somone that's been there done that helps alot.Don't mean to offend just trying to help.

Geico266

I agree. Seems like the dialysis was the breaking point of no longer being in control of his own life. Senior citizens of the "Greatest Generation" don't like to be dependent on anyone, or a burden, or out of control. By choosing to go to a hospice he has regained his like, his dignity, and is back in control of his life.

Lary Ellis (Top)

Tough situation no matter which side of the fence you may choose to stand on. I would have to ultimately respect his wishes in the end.

God bless, you and your family are in our prayers.

crobtex

My Mom wants the same thing if she ever gets down, and we have all agreed to her wishes.
She is 81, has had both knees replaced, a mild stroke, lives by herself and still drives during the day. She's a tough cookie, but will be the first to tell you not to stop the inevitable if she has no longer has a quality of life.

I feel the same way...I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

TN Redneck

No words of wisdom here. You and your family are in my prayers.

Commatoze

Thanks fellas for your thoughts. I appreciate it. It's especially tough to deal with because here's a guy who's seen it all and has a way of making his experiences come alive through a story. From PT boats in the South Pacific during WW II to repossessing cars at night while attending college during the day, to early semiconductor research in the 50's and 60's. He's done a lot, and has had a rich life. Such a font of knowledge and wisdom. To see it cut short is wrenching..... His nephew is an editor for NFL Films, and has been video taping his visits with him and trying to cronical as much info on my wife's family and his life experiences as possible. Much was shot before he became really ill, so we'll get a chance to see him again when he was on a roll. I'm doing my best to support him, but I have to admit, it's superficial and only a facade to cover what I don't understand or appreciate, and which is totally foreign to me. Thanks to all.

PistolWhipt

It sure isn't an easy thing to go thru ... but put yourself in his shoes. His life was obviously one of action and adventure, do you really think he would want to go out being nursed along for his final days ? Respect him for his values, visit with him often and learn this valuable lesson from him.

I lost my mom to lung cancer and when the time came for her to decide ... she made her choice and went out gracefully. Her grandbabies will remember her full of life, not lying in a hospital bed on life support. Although we miss her dearly, this made it easier for all of us.

Hang in there buddy ... we all have to go through it someday.

PISTOL

TAS05CTD610

I too faced the same thing. Grandfather stayed on machines untill I visited him then he pulled them outa the wall and that was it for him. My understanding at my young age is that they've lived a long time, done a lot of stuff, seen things that arn't around anymore. The same thing for hunting, you hunt to kill and use the food, meat, skin ect. Suffering is no fun, I've been so close to death I would never suffer again. His wish to die isn't a mentality or something wrong, he just dosen't wanna suffer any longer. He knows its' going to be extreamly hard on you and your family which is also a burden on his shoulders, but after all, how does he feel.

I wish you the best with the rough road you'll be going down. You'll survive through it. I hope I live that long, everybody in my blood early 70's is it, then there gone (stroke, and blood pressure problems)